BLAH

Well, I have been feeling yucky the last week or so. Have a weird cold/bug/who knows what that's still lingering. I haven't exercised in a week & am afraid that will register on the scale, but I really feel I need to keep resting as much as I can. And now, of course, my house is a pig sty, so any "extra" energy needs to be directed towards that trash heap. Oh where, oh where has my little maid gone? Or where oh where can she be?

I'm eating ok, but not great. I hope I'll be able to get back in the full swing of things when I'm 100%. God bless, Dianna

The Cycle is Broken

No cookies for 2 days. Yeehaw!! No sweets at all, actually. Today wasn't even difficult because I spent most of the day playing with my new toy (my flute). It's difficult, but I am learning. Life is good, nothing much to say. God bless, Dianna

If at First You Don't Succeed....

Guess what? I ate the cookies. Boo! Hiss! I even put the post it notes on there & my hubby reminded me of my own phrase "It's not worth it" & I said, "I know, but I need something, I've had a stressful day". See, it doesn't really bother me that I have sweets, it all boils down to WHY I have them (&how often). Yesterday, I had home school co-op & then my kids talked me into going to the library because some home schoolers were going to be there, so I did even though I was already exhausted. I love people & I am not anti-social, but I being in large groups of people (especially kids) drains me emotionally, mentally & physically. I can literally feel all my reserves draining. I've always been that way. I enjoy being around people, but then I NEED alone time or I'm running on fumes. Anyway, so at the library, the librarian tells my youngest (7), there's a book on hold for us upstairs, so she goes up there to get it. By herself. Without telling me. So, I freaked out & was running around calling her name, thinking she's been kid-napped or something. Arrggh!! Anyway, so I was stressed out & I had to make supper & get ready for rehearsal (which went awesome...Jane, you rock!) & so I had 2 stupid Chips Ahoy. And, actually, I had already had a cookie at co-op earlier :( I CAN'T fall back into the horrible habit of having food when I am sad/stressed/angry/tired/bored/lonely/celebrating etc.... I need to turn to the Lord in all of those instances. Food only helps for a half a minute anyway & then I'm stuck with the guilt. Blah, blah. I need to remember what Jesus told the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4:13-14:

" 'Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.' "

It's the same for food. If I look for comfort or stress relief from food, I will always have to go back to it because it never truly satisfies. It's head hunger, not real hunger.

The good news is I've lost 30 pounds!! Woohoo!! I will NOT EAT SWEETS TODAY!!!!! Lord, give me strength!! Love you all, Dianna

C is for Cookie

Well, I'm still doing OK. I took 2 days off of exercising (I blame hubby-BB- for throwing off my schedule yesterday. He was home because of MLKJ day. ) It's not really his fault, but I can still try. It's odd, because I feel guilty when I take a day or two off from exercising. I guess I still fear that I will revert back to old habits. But I got back on schedule today, so that's good.

I am still feeling like I need to stop eating sweets so often. I'm only having a bit every day, but?? It's just become a habit lately & I am eating 2 cookies or so every day...even the ones I don't even particularly love. I need to be more discriminating with my sweets, I think. Maybe if I make a rule for myself that I will only eat the sweets I really love or when I'm really craving them. I've not been "jones-ing" for them, but I've been eating them anyway. Last week it was Keebler chocolate covered grahams & this week it's been Chips Ahoy. They're OK, but it's not like cheesecake or Lindt chocolate or something. I can resist them if I ask God to give me the fruit of self-control. I'm going to go put a post-it on them that says, "Not worth it". Is that too crazy? Oh, well...who's gonna see it? Maybe my natural cheapness can work to my advantage. The less cookies eat, the less I will spend on cookies.

Leah, good job exercising. Your last comment to me is both flattering & scary. That anyone would look to me for anything is quite bizarre. I hope I don't steer you wrong. Jane, how goes your battle? Love you all. God bless, Dianna

Another Piece of the Puzzle

So, my mental state is much improved the last few days, thankfully. If there happen to be any men readers, my sincere apologies for this comment, but I swear I sometimes have PMS for like 2 weeks. I need to research natural remedies for crankiness or something. Oh, well...I am feeling 99% sane & that's good for me :)

I have gotten into a bit of a routine lately (eating wise) which is good & bad. Good in the sense that I've added some healthy elements to my routine--namely exercising & waiting until I'm hungry before I eat. But also bad because I am not paying as much attention to how MUCH I'm eating. I think this is because I'm just not thinking about it & praying about it as much as when I first started. So, I'm just eating my portion & not really paying that much attention to when I'm starting to get full. I'm still not over stuffing myself, but I know if I was eating slower & more prayerfully, I would be more aware of when I'm starting to get full & stop sooner than I am. Part of me feels like I've worked very hard to lose this weight (29 POUNDS!!) & so I kind of deserve to stop working at it so much & thinking about it so much, but in reality I'm not where I want to be yet & I have to keep working until ALL habits become second nature to me & not just some.

BUT....at least some habits are becoming second nature. I really don't have to lay in bed & debate with myself whether or not I'm going to get up & exercise. I just do it. And, I don't have to argue with myself when I should eat. I eat when I'm hungry. The only time this is an issue for me is when I'm at a special function & then I need to plan around it to make sure I'm hungry when the event happens.

Eating smaller portions more often is not going to work for me, I don't think. At least not at this point. It just provides more temptations than I feel like dealing with. It's far easier for me to accept I'm only going to eat twice a day( which is how often I get hungry) than trying to eat such a small portion each time in order to BE hungry more often. It was just frustrating me, so I'm not going to concentrate on that. My energy dips probably had more to do with my stinky attitude anyway, because I had been fine before that & am fine again now. Being stressed out is NOT good for your health. Why do I let myself fall into the same traps? I know better. Silly, silly woman.

Eating slowly is SO HARD!!!! Because I'm not giving it enough weight. Meaning, I'm not spending enough time/energy/ attention towards developing this habit. I've got to figure this out, because I know it's a big piece of the puzzle for me. It will help me eat less, it's better for digestion, I'll actually enjoy the food more. GOTTA do it!! Love you all, have a blessed day, Dianna

Many parts

I'm in a better mood today (&yesterday). My little "shut-in" did me good. I've slept fairly well the last two nights, too, so I'm sure that's helped. My new DVD came & I've done it the last 2 days....another Leslie Sansone--Walk Slim. It's 4 miles, but she does intervals of jogging & more intense moves, but it's still doable for me. I like them. It's nice to just have something different. My eating has been OK, but I think I really need to pay better attention, because I'm letting little things slip here & there & I don't want to go back to my old habits. I am afraid that I'm hitting a plateau. I've lost 28 pounds & I'm happy about that, but I would still love to lose a lot more. Ultimately, for me, it is about viewing food & exercise differently & being obedient to the Lord in these areas, but I still do want to lose weight, of course. Part of me says to just keep concentrating on the inner stuff & the rest will continue to happen, but part of me thinks I might need a goal at this stage to keep me focused. It's easy to just say, "Well, I'm not as big as I was", and let things slip, but I don't want to do that. Another part of me knows if I set an actual goal, I will focus more on the #s on the scale & try to achieve it any way I can rather than doing it the right way. I know, I know...how many "parts" do I have? Many, many, many. Some complex, most just boring :) OK...so, I just convinced myself I need to just keep concentrating on the "inner" work & the outer results WILL happen.

I still have not managed to achieve my two goals of eating smaller portions & to slow down. So, today I am concentrating on just 1....smaller portions. I had 1 piece of toast today for breakfast instead of my normal 2. So, I'm off to a good start. Zechariah 4:10 says, "Who despises the day of small things?" God bless, Dianna P.S. Jane...where are your blogs?

Roller Coaster

I'm not lacking for metaphors these days, it seems. My life just feels like a roller coaster lately. I'm happy as pie one minute, then I'm crashing down the next. Winter tends to be my hardest time (like most people, I think)--lack of sunlight, shorter days, yadda yadda. Although it's felt like spring lately. Anyway, I'm just terribly moody & having a hard time focusing. Well, focusing on things I'm supposed to be focusing on, anyway. And I'm ready to sell the children again.

Eating wise, I've been doing ok...not great, but ok. Friday night I went to a resource sharing night for the home school group I'm in & there were lots of goodies there. I didn't eat dinner before I went & I didn't stuff myself, but I certainly ate more than I should have & I knew it & didn't really even fight it, to be honest. I was having this inner dialogue with myself....reminds me of the old cartoons where there's an angel on one shoulder & a devil on the other. My excuses were lame. Like I said, I didn't go crazy & I wasn't ready to pop, but I ate more than I needed. BOO!!

Yesterday, I went out to lunch with my sister & a friend. Again, I did ok, but not great. I had the salad bar. The first plate should have been enough, but I went back for a little more (that I didn't need). Again, I didn't stuff myself, but I should have just stopped at that 1 plate. I justified myself in both cases by comparing what the other ladies ate, but what do I care what they ate? What they eat or don't eat isn't going to help ME lose weight, right?

Oh well. I REALLY think I need to just stop long enough to get my head on straight. 99% of my problems stem from my own brain & lack of a positive attitude. I can blame it on lack of sleep, kids being monsters, winter, etc....but the reality is it is my CHOICE whether I am happy or not. It's my CHOICE whether I get up early to exercise or not. It's my CHOICE whether I am obedient or not. It really is as simple as that. Making excuses is not going to get me anywhere. I need to seek God's face until I get a break through in my attitude. So, I'm going to threaten the children with more chores if they interrupt me & lock myself in my room until I get sane again. If I don't come out in a week or so, send in the National Guard. God bless, Dianna

Wake Up, Little Suzy

Well, I've been feeling kind of crummy, very tired & unmotivated as of late. I'm trying to figure out why because, for the last few months, I've been feeling better than I have for years. I'm still exercising & eating the same. I mentioned a few blogs ago that I was going to try to eat smaller portions more often, but that hasn't been successful. I'm not overeating, but it's hard to eat a very tiny portion & just STOP. I'll keep trying on that one. The only other thing I can think of is I'm not getting up as early as I had been. Let me rephrase that....I'm not getting out of bed as early as I have been. I've been sleeping poorly again & so my natural inclination is to stay in bed & try to sleep more. Never works & the I tend to feel groggy. It's difficult to pull myself out of bed when I know I haven't gotten a good night's sleep, but I tend to feel better if I just jump up & get going. We'll see if that solves the problem. It's so much harder to eat well (& do anything well, really) when you're always tired, so it's something I hope to figure out soon. It effects my moods, my productivity, my attitude, the running of the house, etc....it's been a while since I've been at this point & I don't miss it. I'm actually having a hard time staying encouraged about lots of things right now, even though there are plenty of good things going on. Guess I'm just in a funk.

On a brighter note...I've lost 28 pounds, so that's pretty cool, I think. Have a great day, maybe I'll be more cheerful next blog, Dianna

NEW GOAL/ OLD GOAL

Hi. I am setting a new goal for myself, which is to try to eat even smaller meals (more frequently if need be). Waiting until I'm hungry before I eat has been working pretty well still, but I have a feeling that some of my "grouchies" have been, in part anyway, when that blood sugar gets a bit low. I suspect this mainly because my grouchy time tends to happen late afternoon. And I've been skipping lunch most days, so maybe there's a connection there. Although, I have always gotten kind of slumpy during that time frame & then perk up at night when I'm supposed to be winding down :) So, my new goal is to try to eat tiny meals with the hope that I will be hungry more often & maybe I won't feel that dip in mood right when I want to be preparing dinner & straightening the house & putting on a cheerful face right before hubby gets home. I know this goal will be a challenge because I have already been eating smaller meals than I'm used to. Something in my brain has a hard time having 1 piece of toast. I mean, is it written in stone that toast has to come in pairs just because the toaster has two slots? What if I had a larger toaster....would I eat 8 slices at a time? Heehee...probably, knowing me :)

My old goal is to go back to the drawing board with eating S-L-O-W-E-R. Really, really difficult habit to break. As silly as it sounds, I think I might make a little sign & put it on the dinner table saying, "Slow Down!!" I would just have to remember to take it down if we had guests over for dinner. I'm feeling silly today, if you hadn't noticed. God bless, Dianna

FIRE!!!

Well, I did fine today, but I want to share a cool story that has nothing to do with weight, although part of it did happen while I was exercising:

Yesterday, I came home around 4:00 to discover the entire house filled with smoke & the fire alarm going off. I quickly realized it was the pellet stove, which has been our only heat source so far this winter because it's much cheaper than oil. I believe the blower motor died, but the pellets kept dropping into the burner & just kept smoldering. It was so full of pellets, they were pushing up against the door. It took me 20 minutes to clear them out--in between coughing & almost puking & my eyes burning. Obviously, we opened all the windows & doors & put the fans on. I thanked the Lord right away that no real damage was done. This morning, the downstairs was still smokey smelling, so I again opened all the doors & windows & put the fans on. I was praising God again for what might have happened. I mean...the pellets just kept coming. Also, we have a cat & dog...both in the house. Our dog actually lives near the pellet stove. I also thanked Him for the unseasonably warm weather. I mean, we were cold today with everything open, but not anything like we would have been last week. Then, I was doing my walking video (Leslie Sansone) which I love, but gets monotonous. What I do is turn the volume off, put on Christian music & read these little scripture cards which I meditate on while I walk-or sometimes they inspire me to pray about something in particular. This is the first card I pulled today: from Isaiah 43:2 " ....When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." God is so amazing!! What's funny is the card only contained part of the verse...about fire, of course. The rest is this: " When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

I really feel like something worse would have happened without His hand of protection. Maybe this is stretching things a bit too far, but earlier that day, during the service I felt God's hand in such a powerful way. I help lead worship at our church. At the end of each service, we have an "altar call", which is simply a time people can respond to the message. Sometimes people come forward for prayer or to commit their lives to Jesus. Since I've been on the worship team, I have not gone to the altar because I am singing. Only once have I & it was because I was having a hard time & I needed prayer. Well, I made it through the first two verses & started bawling. I went down to the altar & just wept & praised God. There wasn't anything particular on my mind...I wasn't having any problems...I just couldn't help but kneel at the altar & weep before the Lord. I didn't talk to Him or anything, but I knew I needed to be with Him there. So, now I'm wondering if that was the Holy Spirit (all who believe in Jesus as their Saviour receive the Holy Spirit when they come to faith, though most people have no idea what that means or how to live by the Spirit) interceding on my behalf. Who knows? Either way, it was quite a day. Normally, I would have been home around 12-1:00, but I volunteered to watch my friends' kids for a few hours & my husband was helping another friend move a piano.

And then, today, God blessed us again in a HUGE way that I can't share because it involves personal info about someone else. God is SO good. He gives us so much & He asks so little...that we fully rely on Him & Him alone....for our salvation, for our provision, for healing, for eternal life, for anything & everything. He is capable. God bless you all, Dianna

Better Day

Today I had a much better attitude. I went the day without any sweets...yea! It's not that I think sweets are bad, but I need to know I can live without them. Today was much easier eating-wise...it probably helped that I was running around a lot today. It's easier not to think about food when it's not at your disposal every second. I always picture Peg Bundy at home on the couch eating her bon-bons. Not that I'm admitting to ever having watched that show, mind you.

When I have hard times like I have been for the last few days, I am reminded that it's not just my eating habits I need help with, but managing stress in general. I really am stressed out more often than I'd like to admit. The dumbest things stress me out. I used to worry all the time, which I don't do much of anymore. Meaning, I don't sit there & torture myself with "what ifs" or imagine horrible possibilities in my mind or replay past mistakes over & over. Boy! Was I miserable before I knew Christ!! But, I still stress out a bunch, which means I must not be completely leaving my burdens with the Lord. Not good. I'm better than I used to be, but I have to be honest & admit I haven't made as much progress in the area of peace as I would like. I know it's possible to be peaceful, even when our circumstances might be horrible. They say peace is not the absence of conflict, but your ability to cope with it.

http://www.watchmanmag.com/0406/040617.htm

Love you all...peace be with you, Dianna

SEE SAW

Yesterday I said I was going to get back in the swing...well, today was more like being on a seesaw. My emotions are just all over the place. I did a lot of crying today :( But, I feel much better now. Home schooling presents some unique challenges & I think I've experienced them all in the last few days. Some of the wonderful ladies in a hs group I belong to had some wonderful words of wisdom for me, I took off for a bit by myself & now I'm feeling pretty stable. My hubby has been helpful, too.

I ate sweets today, but oh well...I will try again tomorrow. I didn't eat much, but I didn't stick to that goal. I told my husband, "Today was a bad day to give up sniffing glue" (from the movie Airplane) ...meaning today was NOT the day to go back to the occasional sweet. I definitely ate them out of sadness, which is bad, but most times I get depressed, I tend to chow all day, so I can at least say I had a normal amount & stopped.

Jane, I can't do workouts from TV because I get like 4 channels & 2 of them are in Spanish (only a slight exaggeration). I went to the library today, though & got 2 Jane Fonda work-outs. Oh my!! Have anyone ever done these things? They're all dressed in these bizarrely erotic outfits. Aren't they primarily geared towards women? Oh well, I did 1 (with hubby...that was fun) & it was actually more intense than the ones I've been doing. My lungs hurt afterwards (I have asthma), but at least I wasn't bored. I bit the bullet & ordered a different Leslie Sansone DVD from amazon. I figured my physical & emotional health is more important than sticking to my budget.

So, all in all, it was a tough day, but I'm feeling much better & hopeful tomorrow will be a better day. Or I should say, tomorrow I will have a better attitude. Every day is good:

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." (Psalm 188:24)

Love you all...God bless, Dianna

Back In The Swing

Trying to get back in the swing of "the real world". Had a tempting day, but I did OK. I am going to try not to eat any sweets tomorrow. It's hard having goodies around. I typically have cookies for the girls, but I tend to buy things that don't really thrill me, like Oreos. Having homemade cookies & stuff around is tough. I thought of throwing them out, but that would be mean because the girls love them. It's not that I'm eating a ton of sweets, but I think I've had some every day since Christmas Eve. I'd like to get back to the point where I indulge in sweets when I'm really craving them, not just because they're there. I need to know I CAN not have them, ya know what I mean?

I need to make getting new exercise DVDs a priority, because I am SO bored with the ones I have. I actually bought 2 from the $ store, but they're, well, $ store DVDs. I'm really trying to stick with my budget, but I'm thinking maybe it's important enough to splurge. I don't know. I keep meaning to check the library, but haven't gotten there in a few weeks because I haven't done much school with the kids. Now that we've started back to "normal" maybe that will be more of a priority. I'm hoping once I get settled back into my routine, things will feel easier. I've been a weird mode the last few days. Oh well....I didn't do badly, at least...it's just been harder than it has been. Love ya all, Dianna

Happy New Year

So, I had a New Year's Eve party, which I thought was pretty darned fun. There was a TON of food there. It's kind of odd, but I can't even really say how much I ate, because I never really sat down & ate. I never even used a plate, I don't think. I was mostly running around or playing silly games, so I just grabbed a bite here & there. I think I did pretty well considering the spread. I only had 1 dessert. I didn't over stuff myself & I didn't get heartburn, which is a definite sign for me of overeating. All I had the whole day (before the party) was a few veggies , so that helped. All in all, I'm fine with what I ate. No, "I'll be good tomorrow" attitude & no, "I can't believe I ate all that", or "I can't help it".

People who don't know I've been changing my eating patterns have been asking me if I've lost weight, which is awesome & encouraging. Once I've really learned how to eat right & be free from the whole reliance on food thing, I think it is going to be an awesome testimony. What greater way to give glory to God by being able to say I've tried it my own way, the world's way....and failed, but then I turned to God & He gave me the strength & power. I am realizing, though, that even though I am tasting success, I still have much to learn before I am totally free in this area. For example, today I was extremely tired because of the party & cleaning up & everything. I have actually been sleeping MUCH better than ever before lately, so I have gotten out of the habit of walking around like a zombie like I have for so long. So, today, with all the left-over goodies lying around, I was more tempted than I was last night. I actually told myself (out loud) "you're not hungry, you're just tired." I did have a few sweets, but resisted most of the temptations. But, I have confidence I will someday have total freedom in this area no matter what & it will become second nature to me. John 8:36 says, "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."

Love you all. God bless, Dianna