25 POUNDS!!

I am down 25 pounds & I fit into another old pair of pants today. Woohoo!!

God bless, Dianna

Weird

Kind of a weird day today. I ate fine, but didn't want to. There are too many goodies in this house lately & I baked more today for a New Year's Eve party. I'm trying to do some stuff ahead of time & freeze what I can so I won't be rushing around last minute. I'm trying to figure out how the basket of Hershey kisses (which aren't even close to my favorite) are tempting me when I've had the same bag of dark chocolate for almost 2 months & those aren't. Duh!!! 'cuz the kisses are in plain view & the bag is in the cupboard. I guess I could stash the kisses & other junk, too. Maybe that will help. It's always harder getting back in the swing after a Holiday, too. I didn't go crazy on Christmas, but I ate more sweets than normal. So, that's probably part of it. That & I've been scanning the grocery store fliers, grocery shopping or cooking 1/2 the day. Even getting up to exercise today was harder. I am giving the girls the week off of homeschooling, so I don't HAVE to wake up early, but maybe I shouldn't break a routine that's been working. Oh, well....at least I did it. Have a good one. God bless, Dianna

Merry Christmas

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas. Mine was great, but I'm glad it's done :) There was obviously TONS of temptation....TONS of food, especially goodies. My sister-in-law, Vick, makes the best desserts ever. I can't say I did fabulous, but I did OK...I did not stuff myself to overfull & I indulged the least I ever have on Christmas, that's for sure. I tried to exercise a bit more today to help make up for the extra calories, but all in all, I am feeling ok with my choices.

I no longer fit in any of the pants I've been wearing for the last year or so. It's a nice problem to have, but a problem nonetheless. I am broke this month, but I had to suck it up & go shopping today. I went to the Salvation Army & bought 2 pairs of dress pants & 2 tops. It took me almost 2 hours, because you have to search there, but Wednesdays are 1/2 off, so it was totally worth it. I spent just shy of $10. Woohoo!! The best part was I tried on literally like 30 pairs of pants & all but 1 or 2 fit :) I didn't like them all, but they fit. I am down 4 sizes, which is very exciting for me. The tops I bought were a bit different for me...I got a gold sparkly thing . I have kind of been sticking with very basic tops for a while because I don't want to draw attention to myself, if that makes any sense, but now I am getting a bit bolder. I knew I wasn't happy with how I was looking, but I am now realizing I was really quite ashamed of the extra weight. It's silly, because I never look at people who are really large & judge them, but I have always been super critical of myself, even at my thinnest. I am actually strating to feel ok with my looks now, which is a HUGE deal & something I really feared before...that even if I lost weight, I still wouldn't be comfortable with myself. I don't know if it's just growing up, or growing in my relationship with the Lord, or what...but, I'm not complaining. What good is it to lose weight & still think you're fat? If I am already starting to feel comfortable with myself now, I feel confident that I won't get obsessed & go too far on the other end of the spectrum...which I have before in various stages in my life. The devil stinks!! He lies & tells you food will solve your problems...he lies & tells you you're already fat, so why bother resisting at all & then if you do lose weight, he lies & tells you you're still not pretty. Why do we listen to him?

John 8:44 ".... He (satan) was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies."

I'm done listening to his lies. He's a LEMON, as my husband would say.

Love you all, God bless, Dianna

21 POUNDS!!

I'm down 21 pounds. Woohoo!! This cute baby (not mine) weighs 21 pounds. I've lost the equivalent of a 1 year old:). I read somewhere the average person gains 7 pounds between Thanksgiving & New Years. So, it's almost like I've lost 28. Haha. I went to a women's ministry dinner tonight & had some yummy lasagna, antipasto & bread. I ate a bigger serving than I normally eat for dinner, but I didn't stuff myself. And I treated myself to 2 cookies. And no guilt over eating "bad" foods. Every diet I've been on in the past would have prevented me from eating that meal altogether. Fattening, filled with carbs, red meat, sugar, calories, nitrates...you name it, this meal had it. And it was good.

I'm tired. God bless, Dianna

Contentment

It's 10:00 & I have just finished eating my dinner of some left-over pasta salad & a few crackers with cream cheese. I had some veggies an hour ago, too. I was just munching when I looked at my plate & chuckled at the odd choice. I am enjoying SO much the freedom I am experiencing at not following man-made rules about eating these days, or obeying my own flesh. I was hungry, didn't want a big meal because it's late & so I just opted for a bit of whatever was in the fridge. Before I would never have considered what I just ate a real meal, but it did the trick. I'm realizing that I am learning (in this area at least) the secret to contentment. The apostle Paul wrote this in Phillipians 4:11-13:

"..... I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Paul was beaten to the point of death numerous times, unjustly imprisoned all the time & endured other hardships for the sake of Christ. He often went days without food & yet he claimed to have been content. How? Christ was his life. Christ was his food & drink. I am not saying I am anywhere near being content in all areas (although it's something I want to strive towards), but I really do feel I'm headed there in the area of food. For me, to be content with whatever food is available is HUGE!!! I can't tell you the # of times I have sent my poor hubby on late-night junk food runs to satisfy my cravings. I am so bizarre, because I wouldn't often keep stores of junk food in the house...because I knew I couldn't control myself & didn't want my kids to have it....but, I'd send him out 2 or more nights a week for all sorts of junk. To my credit, he never resisted & usually would get himself something as well. Sometimes he'd even offer to go before I asked. I used to joke & call him my "enabler", because I never once went myself. I don't think I've ever bought myself a single little Debbie, but I've probably eaten 1,000 in my life time. No, honey (if you're reading this), I'm not blaming you, you cute thing:) Those junk runs are really rather pathetic. Another embarassing tidbit for you all.

Now, I am learning to be content with what I have on hand. And it's not that I haven't had any junk, but I haven't been ridiculous or secretive about it. In fact, I am still working on the small bag of chocolates I bought over a month ago. That has NEVER happened.

I am excited to see this freedom of learning to be content carry over in every area of my life. Imagine having true joy & peace in your heart no matter what your circumstances?

Love you all. Good job, Leah :) Dianna

Cranium & Pizza...Just What The Dr. Ordered

So, I got together with my bible buddies tonight-we missed you, Jane :( and had pizza & played Cranium & had some goofy fun. I laughed with my friends & at them & it really cheered me up. Just what I needed today. Tomorrow, my hubby works from home so I am going to make sure I have some alone time & treat myself to Dunkin Donuts with a gift card I just got. A friend inadvertently reminded me today of how important it is to have some alone time once in a while. I have definitely NOT had much of that lately unless you count last Sunday when I was sick in bed for my birthday :( Maybe that's part of the reason I've been grouchy.

This has nothing to do with anything, but my daughter wrote these song lyrics today & I thought they were so cute, so I wanted to share:

"be all i wanna be"
i wanna be oh,all i wanna be .I will
touch the stars.oh,i will live all i
wanna live.i will touch the point of
mars.I will be cool,i will be strong!
I will make a better song.and i will
go all i wanna go,yeah!i will touch
the stars!and i will ,yeah ,touch the
point of mars!

Isn't that cute?

I ate well tonight. I had 2 pieces of yummy pizza & skipped the ice cream sundaes. I was going to have a small one, but the ice cream choices weren't that tempting, so I passed with minimal difficulty. I had a cookie earlier today anyway. I did my 4 mile walk today...getting BORED with that. I need to beef up my work-out video collection. I refuse to buy bulky equipment & it's hard to walk in the winter (for me, anyway). I should check into library loaners. I'm tired. Love you all...goodnight, Dianna

The Grinch That Stole Christmas

Well, I am still doing well eating & exercising, but I have to admit I'm having troubles in other areas, so maybe I'll talk about that today instead. I know it's supposed to be a weight loss blog, but oh, well!! This time of year is the toughest for me. I know it's supposed to be "the happiest time of the year" and all that, but for me, it's very difficult. As a follower of Christ, I obviously love the meaning behind Christmas & there's certainly elements about the holiday I enjoy....I love having the house decorated (I don't actually like decorating, per se, but I like the festive look). I LOVE Christmas Eve, especially being in God's house & Christmas day is usually great. BUT!!! I just have such a hard time with the whole month or so before it. My beautiful girls are 7 1/2 & 9 and, of course, they LOVE Christmas & everything that goes with it. I try so hard to be a good mom & let them enjoy the things of the season.....the non-stop Christmas carols (why are there so many horrible Christmas songs out there...who buys this junky music? I am not normally a traditional kind of gal, but I only like the Bing Crosby kind of stuff), the count down, wrapping presents, etc..... but it's all so stressful for me. I try to keep that greedy little monster inside all of us at bay in my kids, but that's hard. We've already been to 1 Christmas party where they got a bunch of gifts that have already been 1/2 forgotten already because they're eagerly awaiting the next batch. I thought that would lessen once they knew the truth about you-know-who, but it really hasn't. I don't mean to paint them as spoiled little brats. They're no angels, but they USUALLY remember to say thank you even to lame gifts, they try to show appreciation, but they're kids. They want presents. They know the real meaning of Christmas, but really, to them, it's all about the stuff. For most grown-ups, I'd say the same is true. Sometimes I just hate living in this country because I think it's nearly impossible for them to grow up truly grateful and to learn what sacrifice means. I guess all the materialism in this country really gets to me sometimes, especially at this time of year. People racking up credit cards to pay for stuff they can't afford for people who don't need them. NOT what Jesus desires from us. We have so much yet we're never satisfied. I can be guilty of the same, although I've definitely grown a lot in that area.

Anyway, so the kids are all keyed up all the time (like every other child on the face of the Earth, I imagine) & it's really the only time this year that homeschooling them has been tough. They are psychos & arguing over ridiculous things. I'd love to just ship them off for a week & bring them home for Christmas day. Any takers? Anyway, my point in all this rambling is I'm not doing a very good job of managing my stress these days. I know for a fact that I am doing better this year than the last few, but I'm still not pleased with myself. I'm irritable, snippy, lose my temper easily & have a complaining heart. I'm not turning to food, which is good, but I obviously need to be spending more time with the Lord than I have been & concentrating on developing a grateful heart. I can't focus on the "bad" parts of Christmas, but need to be constantly thanking Him for the blessings my family & I have, which are many. I need to just turn my face towards Him & ignore the stuff that bothers me. I am determined NOT to let Satan steal my joy this Christmas. He sent His one & only Son to be my savior! He came humbly in a manger & lived a life sometimes filled with discomfort, sadness & pain for MY sake. He came to be my light. He came & shared the kingdom of God. He came to offer forgiveness of my sins. He came so I could have life abundantly. That's what Christmas is, not the other stuff. That's what I need to concentrate on.

http://www.4today.me.uk/html/daily_bible_verse.html

Jane, about your question....that's a tough one. I have literally been eating whatever I want (out of whatever I have to choose from). It's been interesting, because sometimes I really WANT the healthy foods & sometimes I don't. It's working for me, but I don't want to give you advice that might lead you to eat cookies all day & nothing else. I love all types of food, not just junk, so I feel I've been eating a pretty well-balanced diet, but I don't know if that is a catch-all for everyone? I just don't want to steer you wrong. It has been my experience that if you're craving the donut & are hungry...eat the donut, or maybe 1/2. You PROBABLY won't truly CRAVE the donut again tomorrow because you let yourself indulge in it. But, everyone is different. I can try to talk to you about it when I see you. Love you all, sorry for the rambling. God bless, Dianna

You Have No Power Over Me

So, I was faced with many temptations this weekend & I did extremely well. As for the event on Friday night, I actually ended up not eating anything at all...no chocolate fountain, no ice cream, no punch, no cake...not even fruit. I considered having some fruit, but I didn't really want it, wasn't hungry & it was near the fountain, so I figured why put myself in the direct line of fire.

Saturday, I went to a Christmas party with tons of yummy foods & goodies & only had small portions of some of my favorites & one dessert. I was thinking about the events of the weekend, feeling happy with myself, thanking God for the self-control & this silly thought/image from one of my favorite movies as a kid (oh, who am I kidding, I still love the movie) came to mind. It's from the Labyrinth with David Bowie where the girl is about to give into his spell or whatever it is, when she finally comes to this grand realization & says, "You have no power over me," then of course she is free to do what she set out to do. I'm not explaining it well, but if you saw the movie, maybe you know what I mean. My point is, food is not having the same power over me that it pretty much always has. I can limit myself & not feel deprived. I am starting to control my eating habits, not the other way around. As I've said before, I truly believe God meant our food to be a source of pleasure...otherwise He wouldn't have made it all so tasty & so varied...yet, we're supposed to eat in order that we can live, not live so that we can eat. After all, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" (Matthew 4:4)

I was also remembering the same family Christmas party as a kid, when my mom, normally pretty strict about food, would not set limits. I would literally just stand around the m&m bowl (or chips or whatever) & chow until they were gone. It's just so exciting to be finally set free from habits that have reigned pretty much my whole life.

Another good thing that is coming out of this is that hubby is losing weight, too. Last week he said 11 pounds, which is awesome!! Thanks, Jane, for your encouragement. God bless you all, Dianna

Eat Cake....No Eat Cake

So, I'm heading off for my church's 10th birthday party & there will be cake & the stupid chocolate fountain there again. I'm trying to plan my strategy tonight. Cake....or no cake. Truthfully, if it's plain old cake, it won't be much of a temptation for me except the frosting. Actually, that's the only part I really like ...the frosting :) If it's really yummy chocolaty-chocolate cake, that's a different story altogether. I just ate dinner, so I know I won't be hungry for any of it. If it's plain old cake, I'll think I'll pass...frosting or no frosting. However, if there's ice cream....oh my!!! I haven't had ice cream in more than a month. That MUST be a record for me. Ice cream is awesome. Not the plain old flavors, though. Those are boring. Gotta have lots of chunks of stuff in it to be worthwhile. So, if it's yummy, I'll have a small scoop & if it's lame old Neapolitan...forget about it. This all may seem silly, but I find I do better if I decide my own "rules" ahead of time. Otherwise, I'll say..."cake. I'll have a piece", eat it & say..."that wasn't all that good". Then, I'll feel bummed that I wasted a sweet treat on something crappy. Then, I'll go & buy something that I really want to make up for it. Not that I've ever done that. My goodness, if a psychiatric professional ever read this, I'd be locked up.

Jane, you asked what I'd do if I stopped eating when I was full & then got hungry again in a 1/2 hour, if I'd eat again. I haven't had that happen, but yes, I would. Those are really my only 2 "rules" and they're working for me, so what the heck.

I'm pretty grouchy the last few days for various reasons, so I think I'll go spend some time with the Lord before I go to this shin-dig. I love my church family & I know I'll have fun, but sometimes just leaving the house is a pain in the butt. Lately, all I want to do is read, play pacman & be a lazy butt! Love you all, Dianna

Full Of It

Ok. I'm sitting here feeling a bit yucky 'cuz I just had a hot cocoa even though I was full. I wanted a little something sweet, so I was going to have 2 little squares of dark chocolate. Which would have been fine. Except for some strange reason, I looked at the calories...something I haven't done in weeks. And I realized i could have a cup of cocoa & 1 chocolate bar for the same amount of calories as 2 squares of chocolate. So, now my belly is too full & it feels HORRIBLE!!! It's okay, though....I'm not going to beat myself up over it. It's not like I pigged out, I just went past full & wasn't really paying attention to my body's signals (that's what i get for teasing my buddy Leah). In a way, it's good, because I haven't felt this way in quite a while & it's really quite uncomfortable now that I'm not used to it. How did I do this every day? I'll have to remember this feeling.

It probably didn't help that I was sitting at the computer while I was drinking it. It's proven that we consume more food when we're eating while doing something else...like watching the boob tube, at the computer, etc....We're just not paying attention & keep stuffing it in. And I'm sure we eat faster, too. Speaking of eating too fast, here are some things that have been helping me slow down...something that I had a hard time with at first: 1. Putting the fork/spoon down between each bite 2. Waiting until EVERYTHING in my mouth is gone before I take the next bite. That might seem like a no-brainer, but try it & you'll probably see you're shoveling in the next bite before the first one is even finished.

Anyway, I'm back to my regular exercising & then some....aka shoveling :( I'm determined not to let my little slip up bother me. It really does feel yucky, though. Love you all, Dianna

19 POUNDS!!

I've lost 19 pounds....I'm very excited!! I feel quite a bit better today. My tummy is better, but my body's still a bit sore. Oh, well...I exercised anyway. I figured if I survived yesterday, it would be fine today, since I felt better than I did yesterday.

I'm extremely psyched about the 19 pounds. Woohoo!! Now that I am tasting some substantial success, I know I'll need to fight that little voice that will start to tell me..."look at how much weight you've lost....pigging out this 1 time won't hurt". I tend to do that, which is dumb, dumb, dumb. But, I know that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me", Phillipians 4:13:

http://www.actsministries.org/discipleship/I_can_do_all_things_through_Christ_who_strengthens_me.html

The last time I weighed what I do now was over 2 years ago. That feels good. I know I've NEVER lost 19 pounds without feeling deprived, that's for sure. Very liberating. I am still eating much less, but eating whatever the heck I feel like. Today, I had a bowl of oatmeal with honey, almonds & white raisins for breakfast. Then, I didn't get hungry again until dinner & for that I had a bowl of kick-butt (if I don't say so myself) corn, potato & kielbasa chow-da made with real butter & a corn muffin. Much more satisfying than low-fat this, low-carb that. Love you all, Dianna

Fear of Old Habits

Well, I feel yucky. I got sick on my birthday & it's still lingering. I skipped exercising yesterday because I felt very weak. I felt a bit better this morning, so I decided to try a light work-out. I might have rushed that a bit. I'm frankly afraid of NOT exercising at this point, because every other time I have gotten into a good routine, I tend to get sick, stop & then not start again for a long time. I really am determined for that not to happen again. But, I also don't want to make the sickies stay longer. I actually cried a bit yesterday because I couldn't exercise. I know that's ridiculous.....I tend to get overemotional when I'm sick anyway. I need to chill out & have confidence that this time is different & I will not fall back into old habits. Getting sick is a fact of life. I have to learn how to adapt to that in this new phase of my life.

Love you all, Dianna

Teach Your Children Well

Things are going well, but I am facing new & different challenges all the time. Lately, it's been...how do I help my kids avoid the pit falls & bad habits & twisted thought processes towards food that I have cultivated over the years? My poor kids have had to "experiment" along with me; the hardest being the last phase of no sugar. I didn't make them go off it completely, but I got very strict with them about it. I only let them have sugar 2-3 times a week, or on special occasions. I tried very hard to make desserts for them with no sugar, and some of them were quite tasty. Others just plain STUNK!!!! They survived and I hope there was no lasting damage. I most of all want to teach them what I think I am FINALLY learning....all food is good in moderation, eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full. Seems simple, but yesterday for dinner, they both claimed they weren't really hungry, so I let them have a few carrots & some popcorn. Hhmmmm...I mean, anyone who has met my kids or fed my kids knows they eat plenty, so I'm not worried about them starving. But then today, Corrina claimed she was hungry at 10:30, after she had eaten a bowl of cereal at 8:00, so I let her have some apple with peanut butter. She had a small snack around 2:00 & was hungry at 4:30, so she had some vegetarian chili a 1/2 hour before Tony & Cassidy had dinner. It was already made, so it's not like I went to a lot of effort, but I normally kind of feed them on a schedule...you know, like cattle :) I told her she needed to wait until lunch & she reminded me of my own words---how could I argue? I either believe it or I don't. I guess I just don't necessarily trust her instincts to know when she's really hungry or just wants food. I just don't want to mess them up (well, as much as I can help it)

Then, I started thinking about how my eating habits began, and it was definitely as a kid. I don't blame my mom at all, because I'm sure she did what all moms do, which is try our best with what we have/know. But, we were always able to go back for "seconds" & I did pretty much regularly. I know I never stopped to consider if I was "full". My mom is a fantastic cook ..nothing fancy, but good "home cooking". Her thinking was that, as long as it was "healthy", it was ok. It's not like I was a huge kid...slightly plump, but not huge. I understand her thinking: she grew up on a farm, always worked hard & had a great metabolism. I, on the other hand, was an asthmatic kid who couldn't do much physical activity at all. So, we could eat plenty of "good" foods, but "junk" food was extremely rare & kind of taboo. I'm not trying to complain or lay blame, but I think it's important for me to think about the messages I send my daughters. I mean, I don't want my kids to grow up on Twinkies & devil dogs, but there's got to be a balance for them. Do I let them eat when they say their hungry, or make them wait for a certain magic "lunch hour"? I mean, I ate a breakfast of left-over chicken pot pie at 10:30 this morning, because that's what I wanted. I know I have to limit their sweets & junk, because they would eat that 99 % of the time :) They are kids, after all. But, you don't have to tell a newborn or a toddler to stop eating...they know when they've had enough. Unless we keep forcing more on them or bribe them with it. Oh, well...I know it's not a huge dilemma in the grand scheme of life. But, if I can help them learn from my mistakes, that would be awesome.

Jane, good job skipping your bedtime snack. You're right, it will still be there tomorrow. God bless to you all, Dianna

Things I've Missed Out On

Hi all,

I was thinking about all the ridiculous "diets" I've subjected myself to in the past & all the things I missed out on because of them. There was the vegetarian phase. I am in no way insulting vegetarians, but in my case, my veggie stage wasn't based on humane reasons, or even health reasons, but simply out of a desire to be thin. I remember going out to a restaurant & ordering pasta with sauce. It came with the tiniest bits of hamburg in the sauce & so I refused to eat it. Stupidity. The low-fat stage, which coinciding with the veggie stage, was ridiculous, too. I was working at Friendly's at the time. Try eating fat-free there! My lunch most days was either steamed broccoli with no butter, or a plain toasted bagel sandwich with veggies & mustard. I like those foods, but after a year or so, they get a bit old!!! I remember eating this butter spread I thought was fat-free & when I found out it wasn't, I was so MAD!! I think I cried, that's how ridiculous I was.

Then, there was the Atkins (evil Atkins) diet. That was probably my hardest diet because I LOVE carbs of all kinds. I actually think that diet is horrible for your body...I know it was for mine. The first few weeks, I would wake up with horrible leg cramps every night & felt dehydrated all the time. My hubby tried it, too & I made him get off it because he got NASTY...which is saying a lot, because he is normally sweet, goofy & happy. I remember going to a mission's banquet at church & watching everybody else eat pasta while I ate the salad. I wouldn't even eat the meatballs because I thought they might have breadcrumbs in them. BOO!!! Weight watchers had some redeeming qualities...I did get back into exercising for quite a while & did feel pretty good. But, ultimately, when I had lost a lot of the weight, I realized to keep it off meant eating like that for the rest of my life & counting the silly points & going to meetings forever. I tried to keep doing it without the meetings, but I couldn't. I think it was the fear of being weighed publicly & what kind of motivation is that? Ultimately, the desire to act right, in any area, has to come from within. I remember "banking" my points all week to indulge in some Chinese food, but the "permitted" things weren't what I wanted, they were all the "healthy" foods.

Then, there was my latest; the NO sugar, NO refined flour diet. That actually still makes sense to me, because whole grains & organic foods were probably what God had in mind when He created them. And sugar, the way it is processed, more resembles a chemical than a food product. BUT.....it was so restricting, because so many foods contain those things. And, it was SO expensive. And I only lost like 5 pounds, because I was still overeating & not exercising enough, and still felt pretty crummy. And SO time consuming. Life's too short (for me) to be in the kitchen all the time, trying to make everything from scratch.

In following all those "man-made laws" & "experts" (who all contradict each other, by the way, in what is considered 'good for you'), I was just heaping false teaching upon false teaching...I think I actually picked up a new bad habit with each diet. Who are we going to trust: a person who went to college for a few years to learn about nutrition, or the one who created mankind, created you & created the food we often think of us "bad". It's all good in moderation, because it's all from Him. So, Jane, enjoy your pizza & thank you for your kindness. Much appreciated.

And you too, Leah. What would I do without my "bible buddies"? You guys rock!! I'm sure I'm not the only woman who isn't happy with her body or looks. Also, I am determined not to get on the scale until next Wednesday. I didn't today.

Love to all, Dianna

Skinny Girl trapped in a Fat Body

Well, I have to confess I got on the scale again today. I've lost another pound, which brings me to 15, which I'm excited about, but I gotta stop getting on the stupid scale so often. Once a week should be plenty. On one hand, I am very happy for the 15 pounds. I am fitting into old clothes again, have much more energy, and have the satisfaction knowing I am trying to walk in obedience in this area. I am starting to like my face again. I have never in my life been happy with my body, even when I was thin & firm (before kids, of course!!!). I never minded my face, though. I mean, I never thought I was super model material, but I never thought I was ugly in the face area. For the last few years, however, the changes in my face have been the hardest for me to deal with. All bloated & yucky. Very depressing. But, now it's starting to thin out a bit & I can pass a mirror without cringing. From the head up, that is. I still absolutely HATE my body & that's something I've really got to work on, because it's going to take a while for it to get to the point where I won't. Part of me wonders if I will ever love the skin I'm in. I look back at certain pictures of me in my early 20s, when I was barely eating anything, not eating meat or ANYTHING with fat in it, and throwing up if I did binge (sorry for the grossness), and think---how could I not have been happy with that? I remember vividly thinking then--I lost all this weight & I'm still not happy: what's the point? Anyway, so I'm thinking I need to start loving my body now, so that when I do get to whatever weight this journey leads me to, I will be OK with myself. I just don't know if that's possible, though, yet. I hate seeing pictures of myself, hate seeing myself in a full length mirror, etc.....

I really just want to be thin NOW!!! I feel like I have changed on the inside...my thoughts about food & my heart towards it have changed, so it's hard to wait for the outside to catch up. But, I will continue to hope. I will turn my attention towards all the positives & know that all will happen in God's timing, which is perfect. God always forgives us for our sins when we sincerely confess & repent. In fact, Psalm 103:12 says, "as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." That's awesome!!! But, unfortunately, even though He removes our sins when we repent, often times the consequences of our sins are still there & have to be dealt with. Think about it, if you have an affair & repent, God will forgive you, but you still have to deal with the mess you made of the marriage. In my case, I've had almost a whole life time of sinful habits & attitudes towards food. I know I can't expect those consequences to disappear over night. Too bad. Oh, well. Love you all, Dianna

RESIST!!

Well, temptation came in the oddest place today...a chicken pot pie. I made one for dinner tonight & it was exactly what I wanted....warm & homey...comfort food. I had a REALLY difficult time not having more than I needed. I actually put another bite in mouth & ended up spitting it back out in a napkin. I know that sounds extreme, but I just knew that bite would lead to another & another & then another piece entirely & then who knows? I actually heard the words "the devil will flee"...not audibly, but in my heart. It was such a clear demonstration to me that God is fighting this battle for me & He is stronger than any temptation. Those words are from James 4:7: "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." It's so true, too. Once he knows you're not going to cave...whether it's overeating or something else, he will leave you alone. It doesn't mean he won't try again, but I'm learning to fight one battle at a time. He really did flee. I just left the kitchen & did some laundry & when I came back to the kitchen to do the dishes, the other half of the pie was still there, but I was no longer tempted. God is so much stronger than EVERYTHING!!!

Later, I was trying to figure out why the temptation was so overpowering. I mean, the potpie was good, but I resisted the chocolate fountain with little effort. I think it was because I didn't wait for real hunger to come. I've been pretty much waiting for my tummy to growl before I eat, but I didn't this time, because if I didn't eat supper then, I would have had to wait until 9:00 or so when I got back home. Maybe I should have waited, I don't know. I wasn't even close to real hunger. I need to learn not to be afraid of hunger. No one ever died from skipping a meal.

Anyway, I was so happy God gave me the power to resist. It's just a reminder that I really can't do this on my own & need to be constantly relying on Him.

Jane.....to heck with sugar free or anything free. Calling anything God made "off-limits" no longer makes sense to me. Where in the bible does it say carbs are bad, or fat is bad, or sweets are bad? God's love is often described as sweeter than honey, right? I'm not saying that's all you should eat, but we all tend to put all these arbitrary restrictions on our food & it's just silly. I've been guilty of that in a big way. Anyway, I'm glad the posts are helping a bit. I'll continue to pray for you. God bless you all, Dianna

I feel the need for speed

Hello,

Thanks again to my buddies who post comments. Jane-you are right!! I need to not obsess over the scale & concentrate on the only things that are within my control, which are seeking Him first & obeying His word. Thanks for the reminder.

A weird thing happened yesterday afternoon. I was reading a book, trying to rest & I felt incredibly fatigued & simply awful. I couldn't shake it. I felt like crying...not just because I felt poorly, but because it occurred to me that I really haven't felt that way since I started exercising & I used to feel like that EVERY DAY!!!!! It's hard to explain, but when it happens, it takes a tremendous amount of effort just to move any part of your body. This has been a problem for me for a few years...sometimes it would be worse than others, but it was pretty much a regular occurrence. I've tried "natural remedies". I gave up sugar & non-whole grain flours 100%, which helped a bit, but not much. Then I chalked it up to my weight, but the last time I lost any considerable amount of weight, I still felt lousy. Then, I finally surmised it was just my anemia & insomnia. Well, since I've started this new approach, I've been sleeping better (although only 6-7 hours a night) & even though I sometimes get tired, yesterday was the first time I felt that horrible fatigue. And I know why!!! Yesterday was the first day I didn't exercise this whole time. So, my husband told me to get up & do some right then & I did & I felt fine!! Praise God!!! This may not sound like a big deal to most, but if you've ever felt that awful feeling, you can relate & imagine what it feels like to feel like that every day. How I didn't connect that before...who knows? Maybe because, this time, I am really challenging myself physically instead of just taking a casual stroll. It seems that I need to really get the blood flowing. Anyway, so I am going to treat aerobic exercise as medicine & hope to never feel that awful feeling again. I had almost forgotten how awful I felt....don't we forget so quickly? I have had much more energy & am getting more accomplished than usual. God is good.

Love ya, Dianna

Little Rewards

Another good day. I lost another pound. Yeah! I know it's not much, but it's something. I probably should stop getting on the scale every day, though. Weight can fluctuate so much day by day...I don't want to discourage myself & I don't want to obsess with the #s either, especially when I know I am doing all the right things. It will come off when it comes off.

So, I went to the ladies' fellowship last night, which was fun. Just about everyone brought a sweet, so there was enough goodies to feed an army. The hostess set up a chocolate fountain with all the yummy stuff to dip into it. Before, you would have had to drag me away from that thing, but I did really well. For the whole night, I had 2 strawberries dipped in chocolate, some other fruit without chocolate, a few pretzel sticks, a 1/2 a piece of banana bread & a hot cocoa. And that counted as my dinner, too. I have to say it wasn't as hard as I thought it might be. I think I am learning to be more selective in my food choices now. I would have normally eaten as much of whatever looked decent, but I just stuck to small portions of the things I wanted the most. I felt SOOOOOO good when I got home knowing that I was obedient & also felt good physically....no stuffed feeling or heartburn or tight waist line or anything like that. I just felt really STRONG...ya know? Like, if I could handle that situation, I can survive the Christmas season--with all the cookies & gatherings. Praise God!!! Because I wouldn't even have tried to be good at an event like that on my own. The very best part is that I didn't feel sorry for myself...like I was missing out on something, which I always did before when I did manage to "be good". The word of God is true when it says in Romans 12:2 "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." If our actions are ever going to change, many times we need our thoughts & heart to change first. My will is so weak, the changes were never consistent or permanent, because the wrong thinking & wrong desires were there all along, crouching in a corner.

When I told my hubby I lost another pound this morning, he said, "Of course...God is rewarding you for your obedience". I thought that was a nice way to look at it. But the biggest reward is simply not having the guilt that always comes to me after I over-indulge. And tonight, we went out for pizza (after visiting Yankee Candle in South Deerfield, Ma, which is beautiful at Christmas) & I had 1 1/4 pieces. My hubby is trying to eat a little less, too, so we were able to feed the whole family for $16. Another reward. God is good. Life is good. Love, Dianna