25 POUNDS!!

I am down 25 pounds & I fit into another old pair of pants today. Woohoo!!

God bless, Dianna

Weird

Kind of a weird day today. I ate fine, but didn't want to. There are too many goodies in this house lately & I baked more today for a New Year's Eve party. I'm trying to do some stuff ahead of time & freeze what I can so I won't be rushing around last minute. I'm trying to figure out how the basket of Hershey kisses (which aren't even close to my favorite) are tempting me when I've had the same bag of dark chocolate for almost 2 months & those aren't. Duh!!! 'cuz the kisses are in plain view & the bag is in the cupboard. I guess I could stash the kisses & other junk, too. Maybe that will help. It's always harder getting back in the swing after a Holiday, too. I didn't go crazy on Christmas, but I ate more sweets than normal. So, that's probably part of it. That & I've been scanning the grocery store fliers, grocery shopping or cooking 1/2 the day. Even getting up to exercise today was harder. I am giving the girls the week off of homeschooling, so I don't HAVE to wake up early, but maybe I shouldn't break a routine that's been working. Oh, well....at least I did it. Have a good one. God bless, Dianna

Merry Christmas

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas. Mine was great, but I'm glad it's done :) There was obviously TONS of temptation....TONS of food, especially goodies. My sister-in-law, Vick, makes the best desserts ever. I can't say I did fabulous, but I did OK...I did not stuff myself to overfull & I indulged the least I ever have on Christmas, that's for sure. I tried to exercise a bit more today to help make up for the extra calories, but all in all, I am feeling ok with my choices.

I no longer fit in any of the pants I've been wearing for the last year or so. It's a nice problem to have, but a problem nonetheless. I am broke this month, but I had to suck it up & go shopping today. I went to the Salvation Army & bought 2 pairs of dress pants & 2 tops. It took me almost 2 hours, because you have to search there, but Wednesdays are 1/2 off, so it was totally worth it. I spent just shy of $10. Woohoo!! The best part was I tried on literally like 30 pairs of pants & all but 1 or 2 fit :) I didn't like them all, but they fit. I am down 4 sizes, which is very exciting for me. The tops I bought were a bit different for me...I got a gold sparkly thing . I have kind of been sticking with very basic tops for a while because I don't want to draw attention to myself, if that makes any sense, but now I am getting a bit bolder. I knew I wasn't happy with how I was looking, but I am now realizing I was really quite ashamed of the extra weight. It's silly, because I never look at people who are really large & judge them, but I have always been super critical of myself, even at my thinnest. I am actually strating to feel ok with my looks now, which is a HUGE deal & something I really feared before...that even if I lost weight, I still wouldn't be comfortable with myself. I don't know if it's just growing up, or growing in my relationship with the Lord, or what...but, I'm not complaining. What good is it to lose weight & still think you're fat? If I am already starting to feel comfortable with myself now, I feel confident that I won't get obsessed & go too far on the other end of the spectrum...which I have before in various stages in my life. The devil stinks!! He lies & tells you food will solve your problems...he lies & tells you you're already fat, so why bother resisting at all & then if you do lose weight, he lies & tells you you're still not pretty. Why do we listen to him?

John 8:44 ".... He (satan) was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies."

I'm done listening to his lies. He's a LEMON, as my husband would say.

Love you all, God bless, Dianna

21 POUNDS!!

I'm down 21 pounds. Woohoo!! This cute baby (not mine) weighs 21 pounds. I've lost the equivalent of a 1 year old:). I read somewhere the average person gains 7 pounds between Thanksgiving & New Years. So, it's almost like I've lost 28. Haha. I went to a women's ministry dinner tonight & had some yummy lasagna, antipasto & bread. I ate a bigger serving than I normally eat for dinner, but I didn't stuff myself. And I treated myself to 2 cookies. And no guilt over eating "bad" foods. Every diet I've been on in the past would have prevented me from eating that meal altogether. Fattening, filled with carbs, red meat, sugar, calories, nitrates...you name it, this meal had it. And it was good.

I'm tired. God bless, Dianna

Contentment

It's 10:00 & I have just finished eating my dinner of some left-over pasta salad & a few crackers with cream cheese. I had some veggies an hour ago, too. I was just munching when I looked at my plate & chuckled at the odd choice. I am enjoying SO much the freedom I am experiencing at not following man-made rules about eating these days, or obeying my own flesh. I was hungry, didn't want a big meal because it's late & so I just opted for a bit of whatever was in the fridge. Before I would never have considered what I just ate a real meal, but it did the trick. I'm realizing that I am learning (in this area at least) the secret to contentment. The apostle Paul wrote this in Phillipians 4:11-13:

"..... I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Paul was beaten to the point of death numerous times, unjustly imprisoned all the time & endured other hardships for the sake of Christ. He often went days without food & yet he claimed to have been content. How? Christ was his life. Christ was his food & drink. I am not saying I am anywhere near being content in all areas (although it's something I want to strive towards), but I really do feel I'm headed there in the area of food. For me, to be content with whatever food is available is HUGE!!! I can't tell you the # of times I have sent my poor hubby on late-night junk food runs to satisfy my cravings. I am so bizarre, because I wouldn't often keep stores of junk food in the house...because I knew I couldn't control myself & didn't want my kids to have it....but, I'd send him out 2 or more nights a week for all sorts of junk. To my credit, he never resisted & usually would get himself something as well. Sometimes he'd even offer to go before I asked. I used to joke & call him my "enabler", because I never once went myself. I don't think I've ever bought myself a single little Debbie, but I've probably eaten 1,000 in my life time. No, honey (if you're reading this), I'm not blaming you, you cute thing:) Those junk runs are really rather pathetic. Another embarassing tidbit for you all.

Now, I am learning to be content with what I have on hand. And it's not that I haven't had any junk, but I haven't been ridiculous or secretive about it. In fact, I am still working on the small bag of chocolates I bought over a month ago. That has NEVER happened.

I am excited to see this freedom of learning to be content carry over in every area of my life. Imagine having true joy & peace in your heart no matter what your circumstances?

Love you all. Good job, Leah :) Dianna

Cranium & Pizza...Just What The Dr. Ordered

So, I got together with my bible buddies tonight-we missed you, Jane :( and had pizza & played Cranium & had some goofy fun. I laughed with my friends & at them & it really cheered me up. Just what I needed today. Tomorrow, my hubby works from home so I am going to make sure I have some alone time & treat myself to Dunkin Donuts with a gift card I just got. A friend inadvertently reminded me today of how important it is to have some alone time once in a while. I have definitely NOT had much of that lately unless you count last Sunday when I was sick in bed for my birthday :( Maybe that's part of the reason I've been grouchy.

This has nothing to do with anything, but my daughter wrote these song lyrics today & I thought they were so cute, so I wanted to share:

"be all i wanna be"
i wanna be oh,all i wanna be .I will
touch the stars.oh,i will live all i
wanna live.i will touch the point of
mars.I will be cool,i will be strong!
I will make a better song.and i will
go all i wanna go,yeah!i will touch
the stars!and i will ,yeah ,touch the
point of mars!

Isn't that cute?

I ate well tonight. I had 2 pieces of yummy pizza & skipped the ice cream sundaes. I was going to have a small one, but the ice cream choices weren't that tempting, so I passed with minimal difficulty. I had a cookie earlier today anyway. I did my 4 mile walk today...getting BORED with that. I need to beef up my work-out video collection. I refuse to buy bulky equipment & it's hard to walk in the winter (for me, anyway). I should check into library loaners. I'm tired. Love you all...goodnight, Dianna

The Grinch That Stole Christmas

Well, I am still doing well eating & exercising, but I have to admit I'm having troubles in other areas, so maybe I'll talk about that today instead. I know it's supposed to be a weight loss blog, but oh, well!! This time of year is the toughest for me. I know it's supposed to be "the happiest time of the year" and all that, but for me, it's very difficult. As a follower of Christ, I obviously love the meaning behind Christmas & there's certainly elements about the holiday I enjoy....I love having the house decorated (I don't actually like decorating, per se, but I like the festive look). I LOVE Christmas Eve, especially being in God's house & Christmas day is usually great. BUT!!! I just have such a hard time with the whole month or so before it. My beautiful girls are 7 1/2 & 9 and, of course, they LOVE Christmas & everything that goes with it. I try so hard to be a good mom & let them enjoy the things of the season.....the non-stop Christmas carols (why are there so many horrible Christmas songs out there...who buys this junky music? I am not normally a traditional kind of gal, but I only like the Bing Crosby kind of stuff), the count down, wrapping presents, etc..... but it's all so stressful for me. I try to keep that greedy little monster inside all of us at bay in my kids, but that's hard. We've already been to 1 Christmas party where they got a bunch of gifts that have already been 1/2 forgotten already because they're eagerly awaiting the next batch. I thought that would lessen once they knew the truth about you-know-who, but it really hasn't. I don't mean to paint them as spoiled little brats. They're no angels, but they USUALLY remember to say thank you even to lame gifts, they try to show appreciation, but they're kids. They want presents. They know the real meaning of Christmas, but really, to them, it's all about the stuff. For most grown-ups, I'd say the same is true. Sometimes I just hate living in this country because I think it's nearly impossible for them to grow up truly grateful and to learn what sacrifice means. I guess all the materialism in this country really gets to me sometimes, especially at this time of year. People racking up credit cards to pay for stuff they can't afford for people who don't need them. NOT what Jesus desires from us. We have so much yet we're never satisfied. I can be guilty of the same, although I've definitely grown a lot in that area.

Anyway, so the kids are all keyed up all the time (like every other child on the face of the Earth, I imagine) & it's really the only time this year that homeschooling them has been tough. They are psychos & arguing over ridiculous things. I'd love to just ship them off for a week & bring them home for Christmas day. Any takers? Anyway, my point in all this rambling is I'm not doing a very good job of managing my stress these days. I know for a fact that I am doing better this year than the last few, but I'm still not pleased with myself. I'm irritable, snippy, lose my temper easily & have a complaining heart. I'm not turning to food, which is good, but I obviously need to be spending more time with the Lord than I have been & concentrating on developing a grateful heart. I can't focus on the "bad" parts of Christmas, but need to be constantly thanking Him for the blessings my family & I have, which are many. I need to just turn my face towards Him & ignore the stuff that bothers me. I am determined NOT to let Satan steal my joy this Christmas. He sent His one & only Son to be my savior! He came humbly in a manger & lived a life sometimes filled with discomfort, sadness & pain for MY sake. He came to be my light. He came & shared the kingdom of God. He came to offer forgiveness of my sins. He came so I could have life abundantly. That's what Christmas is, not the other stuff. That's what I need to concentrate on.

http://www.4today.me.uk/html/daily_bible_verse.html

Jane, about your question....that's a tough one. I have literally been eating whatever I want (out of whatever I have to choose from). It's been interesting, because sometimes I really WANT the healthy foods & sometimes I don't. It's working for me, but I don't want to give you advice that might lead you to eat cookies all day & nothing else. I love all types of food, not just junk, so I feel I've been eating a pretty well-balanced diet, but I don't know if that is a catch-all for everyone? I just don't want to steer you wrong. It has been my experience that if you're craving the donut & are hungry...eat the donut, or maybe 1/2. You PROBABLY won't truly CRAVE the donut again tomorrow because you let yourself indulge in it. But, everyone is different. I can try to talk to you about it when I see you. Love you all, sorry for the rambling. God bless, Dianna

You Have No Power Over Me

So, I was faced with many temptations this weekend & I did extremely well. As for the event on Friday night, I actually ended up not eating anything at all...no chocolate fountain, no ice cream, no punch, no cake...not even fruit. I considered having some fruit, but I didn't really want it, wasn't hungry & it was near the fountain, so I figured why put myself in the direct line of fire.

Saturday, I went to a Christmas party with tons of yummy foods & goodies & only had small portions of some of my favorites & one dessert. I was thinking about the events of the weekend, feeling happy with myself, thanking God for the self-control & this silly thought/image from one of my favorite movies as a kid (oh, who am I kidding, I still love the movie) came to mind. It's from the Labyrinth with David Bowie where the girl is about to give into his spell or whatever it is, when she finally comes to this grand realization & says, "You have no power over me," then of course she is free to do what she set out to do. I'm not explaining it well, but if you saw the movie, maybe you know what I mean. My point is, food is not having the same power over me that it pretty much always has. I can limit myself & not feel deprived. I am starting to control my eating habits, not the other way around. As I've said before, I truly believe God meant our food to be a source of pleasure...otherwise He wouldn't have made it all so tasty & so varied...yet, we're supposed to eat in order that we can live, not live so that we can eat. After all, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" (Matthew 4:4)

I was also remembering the same family Christmas party as a kid, when my mom, normally pretty strict about food, would not set limits. I would literally just stand around the m&m bowl (or chips or whatever) & chow until they were gone. It's just so exciting to be finally set free from habits that have reigned pretty much my whole life.

Another good thing that is coming out of this is that hubby is losing weight, too. Last week he said 11 pounds, which is awesome!! Thanks, Jane, for your encouragement. God bless you all, Dianna

Eat Cake....No Eat Cake

So, I'm heading off for my church's 10th birthday party & there will be cake & the stupid chocolate fountain there again. I'm trying to plan my strategy tonight. Cake....or no cake. Truthfully, if it's plain old cake, it won't be much of a temptation for me except the frosting. Actually, that's the only part I really like ...the frosting :) If it's really yummy chocolaty-chocolate cake, that's a different story altogether. I just ate dinner, so I know I won't be hungry for any of it. If it's plain old cake, I'll think I'll pass...frosting or no frosting. However, if there's ice cream....oh my!!! I haven't had ice cream in more than a month. That MUST be a record for me. Ice cream is awesome. Not the plain old flavors, though. Those are boring. Gotta have lots of chunks of stuff in it to be worthwhile. So, if it's yummy, I'll have a small scoop & if it's lame old Neapolitan...forget about it. This all may seem silly, but I find I do better if I decide my own "rules" ahead of time. Otherwise, I'll say..."cake. I'll have a piece", eat it & say..."that wasn't all that good". Then, I'll feel bummed that I wasted a sweet treat on something crappy. Then, I'll go & buy something that I really want to make up for it. Not that I've ever done that. My goodness, if a psychiatric professional ever read this, I'd be locked up.

Jane, you asked what I'd do if I stopped eating when I was full & then got hungry again in a 1/2 hour, if I'd eat again. I haven't had that happen, but yes, I would. Those are really my only 2 "rules" and they're working for me, so what the heck.

I'm pretty grouchy the last few days for various reasons, so I think I'll go spend some time with the Lord before I go to this shin-dig. I love my church family & I know I'll have fun, but sometimes just leaving the house is a pain in the butt. Lately, all I want to do is read, play pacman & be a lazy butt! Love you all, Dianna

Full Of It

Ok. I'm sitting here feeling a bit yucky 'cuz I just had a hot cocoa even though I was full. I wanted a little something sweet, so I was going to have 2 little squares of dark chocolate. Which would have been fine. Except for some strange reason, I looked at the calories...something I haven't done in weeks. And I realized i could have a cup of cocoa & 1 chocolate bar for the same amount of calories as 2 squares of chocolate. So, now my belly is too full & it feels HORRIBLE!!! It's okay, though....I'm not going to beat myself up over it. It's not like I pigged out, I just went past full & wasn't really paying attention to my body's signals (that's what i get for teasing my buddy Leah). In a way, it's good, because I haven't felt this way in quite a while & it's really quite uncomfortable now that I'm not used to it. How did I do this every day? I'll have to remember this feeling.

It probably didn't help that I was sitting at the computer while I was drinking it. It's proven that we consume more food when we're eating while doing something else...like watching the boob tube, at the computer, etc....We're just not paying attention & keep stuffing it in. And I'm sure we eat faster, too. Speaking of eating too fast, here are some things that have been helping me slow down...something that I had a hard time with at first: 1. Putting the fork/spoon down between each bite 2. Waiting until EVERYTHING in my mouth is gone before I take the next bite. That might seem like a no-brainer, but try it & you'll probably see you're shoveling in the next bite before the first one is even finished.

Anyway, I'm back to my regular exercising & then some....aka shoveling :( I'm determined not to let my little slip up bother me. It really does feel yucky, though. Love you all, Dianna

19 POUNDS!!

I've lost 19 pounds....I'm very excited!! I feel quite a bit better today. My tummy is better, but my body's still a bit sore. Oh, well...I exercised anyway. I figured if I survived yesterday, it would be fine today, since I felt better than I did yesterday.

I'm extremely psyched about the 19 pounds. Woohoo!! Now that I am tasting some substantial success, I know I'll need to fight that little voice that will start to tell me..."look at how much weight you've lost....pigging out this 1 time won't hurt". I tend to do that, which is dumb, dumb, dumb. But, I know that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me", Phillipians 4:13:

http://www.actsministries.org/discipleship/I_can_do_all_things_through_Christ_who_strengthens_me.html

The last time I weighed what I do now was over 2 years ago. That feels good. I know I've NEVER lost 19 pounds without feeling deprived, that's for sure. Very liberating. I am still eating much less, but eating whatever the heck I feel like. Today, I had a bowl of oatmeal with honey, almonds & white raisins for breakfast. Then, I didn't get hungry again until dinner & for that I had a bowl of kick-butt (if I don't say so myself) corn, potato & kielbasa chow-da made with real butter & a corn muffin. Much more satisfying than low-fat this, low-carb that. Love you all, Dianna

Fear of Old Habits

Well, I feel yucky. I got sick on my birthday & it's still lingering. I skipped exercising yesterday because I felt very weak. I felt a bit better this morning, so I decided to try a light work-out. I might have rushed that a bit. I'm frankly afraid of NOT exercising at this point, because every other time I have gotten into a good routine, I tend to get sick, stop & then not start again for a long time. I really am determined for that not to happen again. But, I also don't want to make the sickies stay longer. I actually cried a bit yesterday because I couldn't exercise. I know that's ridiculous.....I tend to get overemotional when I'm sick anyway. I need to chill out & have confidence that this time is different & I will not fall back into old habits. Getting sick is a fact of life. I have to learn how to adapt to that in this new phase of my life.

Love you all, Dianna

Teach Your Children Well

Things are going well, but I am facing new & different challenges all the time. Lately, it's been...how do I help my kids avoid the pit falls & bad habits & twisted thought processes towards food that I have cultivated over the years? My poor kids have had to "experiment" along with me; the hardest being the last phase of no sugar. I didn't make them go off it completely, but I got very strict with them about it. I only let them have sugar 2-3 times a week, or on special occasions. I tried very hard to make desserts for them with no sugar, and some of them were quite tasty. Others just plain STUNK!!!! They survived and I hope there was no lasting damage. I most of all want to teach them what I think I am FINALLY learning....all food is good in moderation, eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full. Seems simple, but yesterday for dinner, they both claimed they weren't really hungry, so I let them have a few carrots & some popcorn. Hhmmmm...I mean, anyone who has met my kids or fed my kids knows they eat plenty, so I'm not worried about them starving. But then today, Corrina claimed she was hungry at 10:30, after she had eaten a bowl of cereal at 8:00, so I let her have some apple with peanut butter. She had a small snack around 2:00 & was hungry at 4:30, so she had some vegetarian chili a 1/2 hour before Tony & Cassidy had dinner. It was already made, so it's not like I went to a lot of effort, but I normally kind of feed them on a schedule...you know, like cattle :) I told her she needed to wait until lunch & she reminded me of my own words---how could I argue? I either believe it or I don't. I guess I just don't necessarily trust her instincts to know when she's really hungry or just wants food. I just don't want to mess them up (well, as much as I can help it)

Then, I started thinking about how my eating habits began, and it was definitely as a kid. I don't blame my mom at all, because I'm sure she did what all moms do, which is try our best with what we have/know. But, we were always able to go back for "seconds" & I did pretty much regularly. I know I never stopped to consider if I was "full". My mom is a fantastic cook ..nothing fancy, but good "home cooking". Her thinking was that, as long as it was "healthy", it was ok. It's not like I was a huge kid...slightly plump, but not huge. I understand her thinking: she grew up on a farm, always worked hard & had a great metabolism. I, on the other hand, was an asthmatic kid who couldn't do much physical activity at all. So, we could eat plenty of "good" foods, but "junk" food was extremely rare & kind of taboo. I'm not trying to complain or lay blame, but I think it's important for me to think about the messages I send my daughters. I mean, I don't want my kids to grow up on Twinkies & devil dogs, but there's got to be a balance for them. Do I let them eat when they say their hungry, or make them wait for a certain magic "lunch hour"? I mean, I ate a breakfast of left-over chicken pot pie at 10:30 this morning, because that's what I wanted. I know I have to limit their sweets & junk, because they would eat that 99 % of the time :) They are kids, after all. But, you don't have to tell a newborn or a toddler to stop eating...they know when they've had enough. Unless we keep forcing more on them or bribe them with it. Oh, well...I know it's not a huge dilemma in the grand scheme of life. But, if I can help them learn from my mistakes, that would be awesome.

Jane, good job skipping your bedtime snack. You're right, it will still be there tomorrow. God bless to you all, Dianna

Things I've Missed Out On

Hi all,

I was thinking about all the ridiculous "diets" I've subjected myself to in the past & all the things I missed out on because of them. There was the vegetarian phase. I am in no way insulting vegetarians, but in my case, my veggie stage wasn't based on humane reasons, or even health reasons, but simply out of a desire to be thin. I remember going out to a restaurant & ordering pasta with sauce. It came with the tiniest bits of hamburg in the sauce & so I refused to eat it. Stupidity. The low-fat stage, which coinciding with the veggie stage, was ridiculous, too. I was working at Friendly's at the time. Try eating fat-free there! My lunch most days was either steamed broccoli with no butter, or a plain toasted bagel sandwich with veggies & mustard. I like those foods, but after a year or so, they get a bit old!!! I remember eating this butter spread I thought was fat-free & when I found out it wasn't, I was so MAD!! I think I cried, that's how ridiculous I was.

Then, there was the Atkins (evil Atkins) diet. That was probably my hardest diet because I LOVE carbs of all kinds. I actually think that diet is horrible for your body...I know it was for mine. The first few weeks, I would wake up with horrible leg cramps every night & felt dehydrated all the time. My hubby tried it, too & I made him get off it because he got NASTY...which is saying a lot, because he is normally sweet, goofy & happy. I remember going to a mission's banquet at church & watching everybody else eat pasta while I ate the salad. I wouldn't even eat the meatballs because I thought they might have breadcrumbs in them. BOO!!! Weight watchers had some redeeming qualities...I did get back into exercising for quite a while & did feel pretty good. But, ultimately, when I had lost a lot of the weight, I realized to keep it off meant eating like that for the rest of my life & counting the silly points & going to meetings forever. I tried to keep doing it without the meetings, but I couldn't. I think it was the fear of being weighed publicly & what kind of motivation is that? Ultimately, the desire to act right, in any area, has to come from within. I remember "banking" my points all week to indulge in some Chinese food, but the "permitted" things weren't what I wanted, they were all the "healthy" foods.

Then, there was my latest; the NO sugar, NO refined flour diet. That actually still makes sense to me, because whole grains & organic foods were probably what God had in mind when He created them. And sugar, the way it is processed, more resembles a chemical than a food product. BUT.....it was so restricting, because so many foods contain those things. And, it was SO expensive. And I only lost like 5 pounds, because I was still overeating & not exercising enough, and still felt pretty crummy. And SO time consuming. Life's too short (for me) to be in the kitchen all the time, trying to make everything from scratch.

In following all those "man-made laws" & "experts" (who all contradict each other, by the way, in what is considered 'good for you'), I was just heaping false teaching upon false teaching...I think I actually picked up a new bad habit with each diet. Who are we going to trust: a person who went to college for a few years to learn about nutrition, or the one who created mankind, created you & created the food we often think of us "bad". It's all good in moderation, because it's all from Him. So, Jane, enjoy your pizza & thank you for your kindness. Much appreciated.

And you too, Leah. What would I do without my "bible buddies"? You guys rock!! I'm sure I'm not the only woman who isn't happy with her body or looks. Also, I am determined not to get on the scale until next Wednesday. I didn't today.

Love to all, Dianna

Skinny Girl trapped in a Fat Body

Well, I have to confess I got on the scale again today. I've lost another pound, which brings me to 15, which I'm excited about, but I gotta stop getting on the stupid scale so often. Once a week should be plenty. On one hand, I am very happy for the 15 pounds. I am fitting into old clothes again, have much more energy, and have the satisfaction knowing I am trying to walk in obedience in this area. I am starting to like my face again. I have never in my life been happy with my body, even when I was thin & firm (before kids, of course!!!). I never minded my face, though. I mean, I never thought I was super model material, but I never thought I was ugly in the face area. For the last few years, however, the changes in my face have been the hardest for me to deal with. All bloated & yucky. Very depressing. But, now it's starting to thin out a bit & I can pass a mirror without cringing. From the head up, that is. I still absolutely HATE my body & that's something I've really got to work on, because it's going to take a while for it to get to the point where I won't. Part of me wonders if I will ever love the skin I'm in. I look back at certain pictures of me in my early 20s, when I was barely eating anything, not eating meat or ANYTHING with fat in it, and throwing up if I did binge (sorry for the grossness), and think---how could I not have been happy with that? I remember vividly thinking then--I lost all this weight & I'm still not happy: what's the point? Anyway, so I'm thinking I need to start loving my body now, so that when I do get to whatever weight this journey leads me to, I will be OK with myself. I just don't know if that's possible, though, yet. I hate seeing pictures of myself, hate seeing myself in a full length mirror, etc.....

I really just want to be thin NOW!!! I feel like I have changed on the inside...my thoughts about food & my heart towards it have changed, so it's hard to wait for the outside to catch up. But, I will continue to hope. I will turn my attention towards all the positives & know that all will happen in God's timing, which is perfect. God always forgives us for our sins when we sincerely confess & repent. In fact, Psalm 103:12 says, "as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." That's awesome!!! But, unfortunately, even though He removes our sins when we repent, often times the consequences of our sins are still there & have to be dealt with. Think about it, if you have an affair & repent, God will forgive you, but you still have to deal with the mess you made of the marriage. In my case, I've had almost a whole life time of sinful habits & attitudes towards food. I know I can't expect those consequences to disappear over night. Too bad. Oh, well. Love you all, Dianna

RESIST!!

Well, temptation came in the oddest place today...a chicken pot pie. I made one for dinner tonight & it was exactly what I wanted....warm & homey...comfort food. I had a REALLY difficult time not having more than I needed. I actually put another bite in mouth & ended up spitting it back out in a napkin. I know that sounds extreme, but I just knew that bite would lead to another & another & then another piece entirely & then who knows? I actually heard the words "the devil will flee"...not audibly, but in my heart. It was such a clear demonstration to me that God is fighting this battle for me & He is stronger than any temptation. Those words are from James 4:7: "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." It's so true, too. Once he knows you're not going to cave...whether it's overeating or something else, he will leave you alone. It doesn't mean he won't try again, but I'm learning to fight one battle at a time. He really did flee. I just left the kitchen & did some laundry & when I came back to the kitchen to do the dishes, the other half of the pie was still there, but I was no longer tempted. God is so much stronger than EVERYTHING!!!

Later, I was trying to figure out why the temptation was so overpowering. I mean, the potpie was good, but I resisted the chocolate fountain with little effort. I think it was because I didn't wait for real hunger to come. I've been pretty much waiting for my tummy to growl before I eat, but I didn't this time, because if I didn't eat supper then, I would have had to wait until 9:00 or so when I got back home. Maybe I should have waited, I don't know. I wasn't even close to real hunger. I need to learn not to be afraid of hunger. No one ever died from skipping a meal.

Anyway, I was so happy God gave me the power to resist. It's just a reminder that I really can't do this on my own & need to be constantly relying on Him.

Jane.....to heck with sugar free or anything free. Calling anything God made "off-limits" no longer makes sense to me. Where in the bible does it say carbs are bad, or fat is bad, or sweets are bad? God's love is often described as sweeter than honey, right? I'm not saying that's all you should eat, but we all tend to put all these arbitrary restrictions on our food & it's just silly. I've been guilty of that in a big way. Anyway, I'm glad the posts are helping a bit. I'll continue to pray for you. God bless you all, Dianna

I feel the need for speed

Hello,

Thanks again to my buddies who post comments. Jane-you are right!! I need to not obsess over the scale & concentrate on the only things that are within my control, which are seeking Him first & obeying His word. Thanks for the reminder.

A weird thing happened yesterday afternoon. I was reading a book, trying to rest & I felt incredibly fatigued & simply awful. I couldn't shake it. I felt like crying...not just because I felt poorly, but because it occurred to me that I really haven't felt that way since I started exercising & I used to feel like that EVERY DAY!!!!! It's hard to explain, but when it happens, it takes a tremendous amount of effort just to move any part of your body. This has been a problem for me for a few years...sometimes it would be worse than others, but it was pretty much a regular occurrence. I've tried "natural remedies". I gave up sugar & non-whole grain flours 100%, which helped a bit, but not much. Then I chalked it up to my weight, but the last time I lost any considerable amount of weight, I still felt lousy. Then, I finally surmised it was just my anemia & insomnia. Well, since I've started this new approach, I've been sleeping better (although only 6-7 hours a night) & even though I sometimes get tired, yesterday was the first time I felt that horrible fatigue. And I know why!!! Yesterday was the first day I didn't exercise this whole time. So, my husband told me to get up & do some right then & I did & I felt fine!! Praise God!!! This may not sound like a big deal to most, but if you've ever felt that awful feeling, you can relate & imagine what it feels like to feel like that every day. How I didn't connect that before...who knows? Maybe because, this time, I am really challenging myself physically instead of just taking a casual stroll. It seems that I need to really get the blood flowing. Anyway, so I am going to treat aerobic exercise as medicine & hope to never feel that awful feeling again. I had almost forgotten how awful I felt....don't we forget so quickly? I have had much more energy & am getting more accomplished than usual. God is good.

Love ya, Dianna

Little Rewards

Another good day. I lost another pound. Yeah! I know it's not much, but it's something. I probably should stop getting on the scale every day, though. Weight can fluctuate so much day by day...I don't want to discourage myself & I don't want to obsess with the #s either, especially when I know I am doing all the right things. It will come off when it comes off.

So, I went to the ladies' fellowship last night, which was fun. Just about everyone brought a sweet, so there was enough goodies to feed an army. The hostess set up a chocolate fountain with all the yummy stuff to dip into it. Before, you would have had to drag me away from that thing, but I did really well. For the whole night, I had 2 strawberries dipped in chocolate, some other fruit without chocolate, a few pretzel sticks, a 1/2 a piece of banana bread & a hot cocoa. And that counted as my dinner, too. I have to say it wasn't as hard as I thought it might be. I think I am learning to be more selective in my food choices now. I would have normally eaten as much of whatever looked decent, but I just stuck to small portions of the things I wanted the most. I felt SOOOOOO good when I got home knowing that I was obedient & also felt good physically....no stuffed feeling or heartburn or tight waist line or anything like that. I just felt really STRONG...ya know? Like, if I could handle that situation, I can survive the Christmas season--with all the cookies & gatherings. Praise God!!! Because I wouldn't even have tried to be good at an event like that on my own. The very best part is that I didn't feel sorry for myself...like I was missing out on something, which I always did before when I did manage to "be good". The word of God is true when it says in Romans 12:2 "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." If our actions are ever going to change, many times we need our thoughts & heart to change first. My will is so weak, the changes were never consistent or permanent, because the wrong thinking & wrong desires were there all along, crouching in a corner.

When I told my hubby I lost another pound this morning, he said, "Of course...God is rewarding you for your obedience". I thought that was a nice way to look at it. But the biggest reward is simply not having the guilt that always comes to me after I over-indulge. And tonight, we went out for pizza (after visiting Yankee Candle in South Deerfield, Ma, which is beautiful at Christmas) & I had 1 1/4 pieces. My hubby is trying to eat a little less, too, so we were able to feed the whole family for $16. Another reward. God is good. Life is good. Love, Dianna

Old pants

Well, I got on the scale today & was discouraged to find I haven't lost any more weight. I didn't gain any, either, so that's good. I whined a bit to my husband & he tried to assure me that I might be gaining muscle, so I'll accept that. Then, I tried on a pair of pants I haven't been able to wear & I'm wearing them now!! Cool beans, I couldn't even zip them up the last time I tried them on, so that encouraged me.

I'm off to a fellowship tonight with some lovely ladies from my church which will revolve around food & singing Christmas songs. It should be fun, but it also poses a challenge. Am I strong enough to avoid the sweets when they'll be in my face all night? I could skip dinner & have dessert instead :) Sshhhh.....don't tell the kids. If I had more brains, I would have brought a fruit platter or something. I am baking a fairly healthy version of banana bread, so that wouldn't be too bad. It's got some whole grains & honey & eggs. That's pretty well balanced, right? RIGHT!!! Yes, I think I will skip dinner so I can enjoy the get-together without all the guilt. I still gotta pray to not go crazy & to not make it a habit. Love you all, thanks for the encouragement, Dianna

Confessions of an ex-Chocolate junkie

Had another good day. I was craving something sweet tonight, so I am treating myself to two squares of Hershey's extra dark. Yummy. This new approach of eating whatever I want, as long as I am hungry & to stop when I'm full is loaded with benefits. One of them is letting myself has an occasional treat without all the guilt, because I know I will stop at 2 squares & not eat the whole bag. Every "diet" I've ever been on, I have 1: tried to satisfy my sweet tooth with low-cal, low-fat, highly UNsatisfying crummy dessert impostors, or 2: deprive myself entirely of sweets & junk altogether until I eventually & inevitably cave, whereupon I go berserk & eat everything that's not tied down, whether it's all that tasty or not because I feel ripped off. It's very exciting to be able to indulge in a sweet & know God will give me the strength not to go overboard. Much cheaper, too. We are a one income family, because I feel like God has called me to home school, at least at this point in time. And yet, Tony (hubby) makes a comfortable living. So many times we'll be scraping at the end of the month & say, "where did all the $$ go?" & we'll joke & say "we ate it!!" Our grocery bill has certainly always reflected our junk food & sweet "habit". Where did our vacation fund go? we ate it!! Where did the $$ for new clothes go? We ate it!!

Speaking of habit, my friend Jane wrote a comment last week about being upset about not being able to have that second cookie she was looking forward to. It reminded me of an incident that happened probably 2 years ago....I had bought a bag of almond m&ms. Actually, I had Tony buy it. He has always been my "supplier" . I'm not talking the single serving ones you buy at the check-out stand...I mean a BAG. I have been known to eat a pound or 2 of chocolate in one sitting. Really. Anyhow, this was a time I was trying to be good & just have a few, so I told my hubby to hide the bag & not tell me where it was no matter how much I begged (no pressure). Well, I swear I dreamt about it or something, because the next morning, I WANTED that chocolate & was determined to find it, so I tore the house apart, but couldn't find it. Then, upstairs on the office floor, I saw one that must have dropped on the floor, so I ate it!!! Yes, I did. I wouldn't make this up. Pretty pathetic, huh? I'm sure I could think of more desperation stories, but that's all you get. You'd think that would have been my low point...enough to bring me to my senses, but obviously it wasn't, since that was 2 years ago. Because the devil had such a hold on me in this area, every time I knew I was out of control, I would just feel condemned to be fat & a piggie & just totally deprived of hope, so I would actually end up eating more.

It's so important to remember ".... our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Ephesians 6:12) When we recognize that those feelings of hopelessness are from satan, we can know how to fight him. The Holy Spirit will convict us of specific sins because He wants us to repent & turn to Him, but He will never just give us that feeling of just being a pathetic & hopeless individual. That's satan's job & he does it well...but he has no power other than what we relinquish to him. Praise God...He has already won this battle for me. Love you all, Dianna

Patience

Hi,

Another good day. I have to say, though, I am missing the food a bit. I don't miss the feeling of overeating or the lack of self-control, or knowing that I was being disobedient. But, I am so not used to eating this little amount of food; especially on a consistent basis. Part of me is worried I am not eating enough & that my metabolism will come to a halt, get used to fewer calories & I will stop losing weight. But, in my heart, I know that I shouldn't eat when I'm not hungry & I shouldn't eat more than my body needs, no matter what experts say. I refuse to count points or calories or fat grams or any such thing. I guess I need a boost of faith today that if I seek first His kingdom & His righteousness, all other things (including weight loss) will be added unto me. Do I believe that God wants me to be thin? Yes, I'd have to say I do. If I think of all the benefits to being thin & fit verses all the negatives of being heavy & unfit, of course God would choose us to be thin. I don't mean Twiggy thin, but healthy thin. He says He grants us the desires of our heart & my desires in this area are #1: obey what His word says about eating #2: trust in Him alone for all the other reasons I have previously turned to food, and #3: be thin & healthy so I can run this race as best I can for as long as I am on this Earth. Those are the good reasons, but again, if I'm truly honest, I am struggling with the fact that I want to be thin so I will look better. That's the murky area, because that can't be my motivation. That's just pure vanity...but, it's there. I asked myself the question today: if I didn't lose another pound, would I still continue the habits I've started? There's a tough one. I'd like to think I would, but I can't say for sure.

I believe this (weight loss) will happen on one level, yet I have to admit I am struggling on another. As anyone who knows me well can attest, I am NOT a patient person on any counts. I want to have lost all the weight already. How ridiculous is that? I know it's not logical, but there it is. That whole "long-suffering" fruit of the Spirit isn't quite ripe yet in me, either. But, I am still hopeful, if that doesn't sound too contradictory. I doubt, but I have hope.....doesn't seem possible, but it's true. I have to just remind myself that God is in control & when I start to doubt, it's because I'm trying to take that control back again. I don't want it back because I know I always mess it up. I have to realize that even though I am doing great, I still need to submit it to Him every day. I wonder if this is how a recovering alcoholic or drug addict feels when they've been clean for a while....like, "I've beaten that....I just want it over with & not think about it anymore". Maybe that's not a possibility? Time will tell. Love you all, thanks for the posts, Dianna

Hungry & Thirsty for the Right Things

Day #15:

Another good day. I'm learning more to run to Jesus every time I am tempted, which is so simple I wonder why it took me this long to figure it out. Matthew 5:6 says, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." How true & how simple & yet how often have I turned to other things for comfort, to fill a void, to cover up pain or hurt. Why do I not always turn to the Lord & seek His face in all things at all times? I heard a sermon once about hungering & thirsting for more of Jesus. The guy gave this illustration about craving pistachio ice cream. But, instead of having the ice cream, he had chips & then steak & then pie, etc...until he was stuffed. By the time the pistachio ice cream got there, he didn't really want it anymore because he had filled his stomach with other things. Isn't that the same thing we do sometimes? God gives us a hunger & thirst for something to fill that void in our lives so that we will come to Him & know Him. Before we become a child of God, many of us try to fill that void with everything from work to food to drugs to sex to materialism, etc....until, hopefully, we come to our senses and recognize none of these things satisfy fully. That's understandable BEFORE we know the Lord. So why do I, as a Christian (& I'm sure I'm not alone) often search out the same things we did before? We turn to Him for some of our needs, but not all? Do we not have faith that He can satisfy every part of our lives? He can & He does. Every time we come crying to Him, He relieves our fears, pains, everything. Why would we turn to anything else?

Because it's easier. It's easier to turn to the brownies, but they don't satisfy for long. It's easier to turn on a movie & try to escape into it. Movies aren't bad (well, some of them:) but, they will only postpone the inevitable. Why else? Because we live in a fallen world that tells us lies every day. That we need this or that to be happy. That we need to be "strong"...that we can do this life on our own. Maybe we turned to our friends or family. They are good, too. God made us to have relationships. But, if we look to them before we turn to God, it's not enough. People will fail us. They lie, they hurt us...even the best of them. They don't always understand us. They can't be all things to us at all times. God can...He made us. Maybe we're lazy. Maybe we're afraid. Who knows? But, as I go through this whole process, I am not only running away from my addiction to food, I am running closer to my maker & better understanding that He is sufficient, For everything. I love this song...check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Js5OnLeunQ

I hope everyone reading has a marvelous day. Here's to hunger :) Dianna

SLOW DOWN

Day #14:

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (New International Version)

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Hi! Today was a much better day. I ate well, exercised & had a pretty good attitude. I'm still struggling with the eating slower goal. I really have to force myself to do it & usually forget. Tonight for dinner, I had a taco salad with a small scoop of meat, 1 shell, lettuce, tomato & sour cream. Before, on taco night, I would eat 3-4 tacos easily. Tonight, eating slowly, I got full before I finished the plate. It was hard to stop & not go beyond full. It seemed like such a small amount of food. But, my whole mind-set is that God created our bodies perfectly. We don't need experts telling us how much to eat or when...our bodies will do that for us if we listen to it. God built all that in. I've really just never learned & it's difficult. Difficult to slow down & difficult to not want to keep eating. But, I did it & now I'm fine. Really, it's a great thing because eating less will help me reach my other goal about saving more $$.

So...the question I need to ask is why I eat so fast? Do I think the food is going to run away?

Hhhmmmm....chances are, I just got used to cramming in as much food into my body as quickly as possible so I could better ignore those signals of fullness. Probably didn't help that most of my jobs have been in the service industry where you get a 15 minute lunch break if you're lucky. Who knows? My kids & hubby eat quite fast, too. If we could only clean that fast. Haha.

So, I'm not setting any new goals this week until I meet my new one from last week--slow down the chowing. Have a Happy Day. God bless, Dianna

A Hard Day's Night

Hello,

Today was tough. I started out the day so excited & with such a positive mind-set. Somehow, I have lost 13 pounds, even though I was only 6 pounds down a few days ago. Praise God!!! I was so thrilled! I took an early morning walk today, even though it was quite cold & I hate the cold. It was ok. I wore my long-johns & I was sweating by the time I got home. My asthma started acting up a bit by the last hill, though. Cold weather isn't good for my lungs, but I get bored doing the same old work-outs. Gotta get some new ones. Anyway, so I headed off for church thrilled to death, rehearsal went well (I'm on the worship team), but it went down-hill for me from there. Frustrating service for me, but I won't get into that. Anyway, I did what I do sometimes when things don't go well; feel sorry for myself & try to escape my reality. I watched tv most of the day....waste of time & not good for getting out of a funk. This is how ridiculous I get when I'm in a mood....my hubby went out to get me the Sunday paper, because I am trying to save $$ & have been clipping coupons. Of course, for some reason, there was none, so I threw a little fit. So stupid. When hubby asked me what the matter was, I said, "Every time I try to do something good, something gets messed up!" That's what my 7 year old would say. Besides, it's not even true. Then, of course, I wanted a piece of left-over pie that I was so sure wouldn't be a temptation to me. Haha!! Well, at least I resisted. I ate well today, but I didn't want to. My attitude stunk.

I'm trying to recognize what went wrong & I'm thinking maybe I was a bit too proud of myself for losing 13 pounds. I did thank God, but maybe a part of me was still taking credit? And, I need to not run away from God or my problems when they arise & face them head on. I tend to seek God most when times are good & when they are desperately bad. When things are a little crummy, I still tend to try to deal with it in worldly ways. When will I ever learn? I did snap out of it a bit....but I could have done so a lot sooner. Also, I read an article about how Satan tends to attack after we've experienced a spiritual high & I have really been experiencing that:

http://www.drurywriting.com/keith/10thots.htm

Tomorrow's a new day & I know His mercies are new every morning. I'll try to concentrate on the positive. Have a good day, Dianna

Thanksgiving #2

Hi,

Thanksgiving #2 was hard, but I did o.k. I could have eaten a little less pie, but I didn't go crazy. And, I took 2 walks today, so that will help. As much as I love Thanksgiving, I have to say I'm glad it's done. I came home with lots of left-overs, but I really don't think that will be as tempting. I am finding that the hardest thing is not over-indulging when everyone else is. Also, when it's the types of food I don't normally make. I took a few pieces of pie home for the family from Thanksgiving #1, but I'm determined not to eat those, because it's the sweets that are hardest not to go crazy on. If I'm too tempted, I'll probably toss them & make my kids eat oreos or something else I can easily pass on.

Anyway, I have lost 6 pounds since I started & I am very happy with that. That's all for tonight. I'm tired from the tryptophan :) Enjoy the weekend. God bless, Dianna

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Day #9 & 10:

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! Today was by FAR my hardest day so far, but I am really happy with how I did. I purposely had just 1 piece of toast for breakfast. I would have skipped it all together, but my tummy was growling. I munched a few olives before lunch & ate small portions of my favorite dishes. I skipped the mashed potatoes, corn & rolls altogether, because I figured I make those all the time. Then, I waited a few hours & had 2 small pieces of pie for dinner. That's still quite a bit of food, but, no lie, I would usually eat 3 times that amount, no problem. A typical Thanksgiving for me would mean stuffing myself to the point of no return & then having a bit more. Any Monty Python fans out there? I was always Mr. Creosote on Thanksgiving with the wafer thin mint.

I also did the 4-mile walk work-out this morning, a short walk with the family right after lunch & another when I got home. I'm exhausted :) Is it possible for someone who always hated exercise to get addicted to it? It actually feels really good.

So, I did well, but I have to say, it was sooooo...hard!!!! Oh my goodness, maybe I didn't pray enough? Thank goodness for my amazing husband. After I had the pie, I really wanted another piece, so I pulled him aside & asked him to pray for me. It's so hard watching everyone else eat what they want. I really felt like I was missing out. How ridiculous. I had plenty of food. And now, I have tons of left-overs so i won't have to cook for a while. Now, though, I am SO happy I didn't give into the temptation. Every time I have failed in the past, it just made it so much harder the next time. Anyway, Thanksgiving #2 is tomorrow at my sister's & I am committing to pray more for strength. That I not only wouldn't give into the temptation, but that i wouldn't even be tempted. That I wouldn't have the desire to be a piggie. Especially with all the left-overs, I can eat more again the next day. Because food is good....gluttony is bad.

Love you all, Dianna

The Unrepentant Dog

Day #8:

My dog, Rocky (golden retriever) is the dumbest thing ever to have walked on 4 legs. He can be very sweet & affectionate; my husband & oldest daughter love him. I tolerate him & make sure he is fed & gets his shots. Although he is dumber than the average dog, he still has much to teach me. The latest "lesson from Rocky" is about disobedience & unrepentance. Rocky's home is in our finished (mostly) basement. He would get free run of the house if he ever learned not to destroy toys & tear the stuffing out of stuffed animals. Don't feel too bad for the guy, there's plenty of space, it's nice in cozy in the winter due to the pellet stove & he gets a good amount of company because the tv and computer are down here. If you ask Rocky what the best part of the basement is, though, he would surely tell you it's the couch. Every time I leave the room for more than a few minutes, he jumps up on the couch. If I remember to prop the cushions in a sort of tepee fashion & blockade the couch, there's a chance he won't, but training my girls to do that has been as successful as training the dog not to jump on the couch. Why is this a problem, you ask? He smells for one, and he sheds a new dog every day. (We had bought him a dog bed for $60, by the way, but he ate that, too)

So, what does this have to do with repentance? The dog doesn't know the meaning. I catch him every time, he slithers off the couch & gives me the "I'm sorry, but aren't I still cute?" look & hides his face in his paws, to which I reply, "you stink" & sigh a heaving sigh. I used to yell & scream & call him a bad dog, tap his butt and shout threats I knew I'd never keep. Now, I just sigh my defeated sigh & try to comb some of the hair of the cushions & prop them up again. The truth of the matter is, Rocky uses the couch downstairs more than the humans do, he doesn't plan on stopping any time soon & will continue to plan his next couch nap even as he declares with his puppy dog eyes that he is sorry. He's not. Don't we do that with God sometimes? If we're truthful, I think we all would admit we have at one time or another. Some of us daily. Yes, God is a God of grace & mercy & forgiveness & love. He loves us so much He sent His one & only Son to die on the cross so we may have forgiveness of sins. His mercies are new every day & when we truly seek His forgiveness, He not only forgives, but forgets them. BUT!!! We can't abuse that grace & keep sinning (by overindulging or any area of our lives). True repentance isn't saying "I'm sorry"...it goes so much deeper. If He convicts us that we are sinning in any way, we MUST act on it, repent & change our ways.

I'm thinking ahead to Thanksgiving. Normally, I wouldn't even consider what my eating habits would be...total pig out!!! But, now I'm thinking, if I do, that's saying, "God, I'm going to obey you this day & maybe this day, but not this one". It would me be saying sorry, but knowing full well I plan on doing it when no one will be looking, or when everyone else will be doing it, or when it will be socially acceptable. The Lord has convicted my heart that gluttony is sin, so I feel like I just can't do it. Ever. So, I will be praying for the strength to eat a little bit of my favorite foods & stop when I'm full. There's no way I'm giving up my pumpkin pie, but I don't have to. I just can't eat the whole thing. I'm either going to choose the obedient life, or I'm not. I know God will forgive me if I fail, but I know that, since I have given it over to Him, He can win this victory for me. If I choose to "let go" and pig out on Thanksgiving, what will stop me from the next day? (thanksgiving #2 at my folks') & Christmas & all the parties that go with it & birthdays & dinners out & pot-lucks & Valentine's day, etc....there's always another excuse to overindulge.

Has God laid it on your heart to stop doing something, or start? Anything He calls you to do, He will give you the power to achieve it. Enlist the help of other positive people (not the ones who will try to talk you out of it, or tell you you're fine the way you are). Talk to a pastor or someone you trust. Ask them to hold you accountable. You can do it!! God bless, Dianna

What's your Excuse????

Day #7:

Well, I am happy to say I surpassed my goals for the first week of my challenge. My goals for the following week are the same as the last, plus trying to eat more slowly. I made a soup for dinner tonight with some yummy bread. Typically, I could easily eat 2-3 bowls & 2 pieces of bread. Tonight, I ate 1 piece of bread & 1 1/2 bowls of soup. Right after I finished the soup, I realized I would have been full after 1. I wasn't stuffed to the gills, but if I had eaten more slowly, my body would have had time to tell my brain it was already full & didn't need more. It's just so odd; I have to learn how to listen to those signals, because I really have never learned. Most of my life, I have just eaten whatever I want, whether I was full or not. Or the opposite, which was eating so little I was always hungry. My aim is to eat enough & not more than I need. It's very surprising for me to learn I really don't need all that much food. Today, I had a 1 egg omelet with some peppers & a tiny bit of left-over steak & coffee for breakfast, an apple, cottage cheese & almonds for lunch, a banana for a snack & what I just described for dinner. Compared to what I am used to eating, that is not much. And, like I said, if I had been more sensitive to my bodies' signals, I could have eaten less. No problem, though....I am learning.

The exercising is going much easier. It has taken me less time to start that habit than I would have thought. Probably because I am mentally & spiritually ready for it this time, unlike so many other times I have tried to do it in my own strength. It actually feels good & is helping me sleep a bit better & helping my state of mind. I was thinking about what is different this time & why I am so confident that this is it!!! This is the time!!! There are many reasons, one of which is I have come face to face that all my "reasons" were flimsy excuses for me being a lazy butt. Here have been some of my many, many, excuses:

1) I have asthma, so I can't exercise as easily as most people. True, but this walking program I'm doing is totally doable & still a great work-out. 2) I'm soooo...busy. I homeschool, I'm busy in the ministry, etc..... Who isn't busy? If I can find time to watch an hour of TV every night before bed, I can make the time to exercise. 3) I HATE to exercise.....That's really just my attitude. Once I get past the initial chore of getting out of bed, it's ok. 4) I've been this height since I was 11...there's nowhere to go but out. Oh, that's just silly. 5) I've tried so many times & failed. Yes, but this time I'm fully giving it over to the Lord rather than trying to exert my own will. 6) My husband still finds me attractive & my girls think I'm beautiful. Well, thank God for people who love me no matter what, but pleasing God is more important than pleasing any man (even hubby) & I really doubt Tony will be crying as my flabby behind starts to shrink :) After all, he did fall in love with me when I was at my thinnest. 7) People shouldn't judge me by my looks. True, but they do & I never want anything stand in the way of an opportunity to be a witness for Christ. And, anyway, I judge my own self & I know this is not the body God wants me to have. 8) Food is too good to give up. RIGHT!! But, who asks us to? It's all about not overindulging & not living to satisfy the desires of our flesh. I'm sure I have used many more excuses, but that's all I can think of. Life is full of choices. I know I haven't done myself any favors when I've tried to justify my actions to myself...in this area & many others. We choose to be happy or sad. We choose to laugh or get angry. We choose to love or hate. We choose to accept Jesus as our savior, or reject Him. I have chosen to let myself be defeated. Now, I choose a victorious life.

So...what's your excuse? Love you all...keep reading & posting. You are all a blessing to me. Love in Christ, Dianna

God made food....and it was good

Day #5 & 6:

Hello again :) Yesterday was the first Saturday of my life I can remember getting up early to exercise. I had actually planned on sleeping in a little (what I do on a typical Saturday), but my internal clock woke me up early anyway, so I decided to do something positive rather than laze around in bed. I felt pretty good about that. I did the same today. Yesterday, I went to a great Financial Freedom Seminar at my church & one of the activities was to write down any goal & list smaller steps that we can take to achieve that. I gave that alot of thought pertaining weight loss. It would be the natural thing for me to say, I want to lose x pounds by such-a-such a date. For me, it would only serve to lead me back to the wrong focus concerning weight loss. In fact, I need to not focus on weight loss at all. Huh? Than, why did I label this a weight loss blog? Well, I am hopeful that losing weight will be a natural by-product of my other behaviors.

I have done weight watchers, Atkins, low-fat, vegetarian, slim fast, just plain not eating, my on-again, off-again bouts with bulemia, etc.....they all "worked" to some extent or another. But, for me, they all caused me to focus MORE on the food than ever before. I simply thought about points & portion sizes & what foods were "good" and which foods were "bad". Obviously, there are some foods that are "healthier" than others. To me, it doesn't take a genius to see a peice of toast is a healthier breakfast option than a twinkie. However, as to all the rest of it: GOD MADE IT!!!! God cannot make anything BAD. The "Experts" throughout the years have labeled almost every food "healthy" or "unhealthy" at one time or another. They all disagree. They are all trying (successfully) to convince us all that we need to follow man-made rules about eating. If they know so much, by the way, why is obesity a national epidemic? Why does the average weight charts keep expanding every year? Why are people still clogging up their arteries? It reminds me so much of the Judaizers who were trying to convince the new Christians to go back to living under the law rather than the freedom they had receieved in their relationship with Christ. Food is good. God created it for us --not only to sustain us, but for us to enjoy it & to use it as a social part of our lives. If not, why would He have created such a wide variety, with so many beautiful colors, textures, smells, tastes, etc....& why would He make mention of laying a table for us in Heaven? God made food good. We have polluted it with our own imposed rules of what we can & cannot eat & in what order. And, people have made millions out of our belief in

this. It's all good. In moderation.

Food good......gluttony, or eating beyond the point of fullness is bad. Eating when we are hungry....good & common sense.....eating out of boredom, loneliness, stress....bad. We need to turn to Him for our problems. His grace is sufficient for us!! Enjoying the food that God created is good......making it a top priority in our lives & thinking about it frequently....NOT good. He wants our thoughts & hearts on Him, not food, or anything else. Thanking Him for variety....good. Calling what He created for us bad.... Bad. Wanting to look skinny, or sexy, like this actress or that model... or whatever....pride, vanity, bad. God created us all according to His perfect design. He loves us as individuals. He could have made us cookie-cutters, but He chose to make us unique. Trying to take care of the only body God will ever give me....the one He wants to dwell in as His temple....good. I am saying all this because I believe it's in line with God's word & character & also to retrain myself. There is still a part of me that wants to slap that # goal on the paper & say to myself, "If I achieve this goal, I will be successful". But, if I do, and even if I reach it, I will be defining success by the world's terms, or by my own flesh. I've done that. Been there. Not going back. I want to live my life....every area of my life for Him, for His glory, in obedience to His commands. I would be lying to say I don't want to lose weight. I'm sick of being fat & teetering towards the larger side of the store. I'm tired of being embarassed about my weight. But, my #1 goal has to be obedience & I am trusting in Him to take care of the pounds for me (I've lost 3, by the way :) The obedient life is filled with better blessings than we could ever "earn" or achieve on our own. My God can do anything but fail, so I'm letting Him fight this battle for me. Have a lovely day....hope I didn't p---- off any of you Atkin, weight watcher, slim fast, south beach, etc....advocates. I'm just expressesing my view. That's my plan & I'm stickin' to it.

God bless, keep reading. I TRULY appreciate all the comments. (Kris, I get the pix from google images) If you post your goals, I will commit to praying for you.

The Love of Christ to you all, Dianna

Be Still and Know that I am....BORED????

Day #4:

Hello lovely people. Yet another good day. I increased my exercise & am feeling it a bit, but am not too sore. I tried something revolutionary (to me) today: wait to eat until I am actually hungry. Hhmmmmm....there's a novel idea? Typically, I would wake up (7:30-8:00ish), make the kids breakfast, have a coffee & bagel or something while I check my e-mail whether I'm hungry or not. The kids are usually hungry by 11:00, because they grow a foot a day (well, my oldest does...she oughta play basketball). Again, whether I'm hungry or not, I tend to eat with them, or at least at the same time. We all eat dinner together nightly, because I think it's important, but I tend to run away from the kids at breakfast or lunch. Heehee. Maybe other stay-at-home moms or dads can relate? I love my kids, but I do need my mommy time, or else I become grouchy mommy. And then, I usually have dinner on the table when hubby comes home from work, around 5 ish. Again, I eat whether I am hungry or not. That, of course, doesn't include the afternoon snack (s) or the dessert I tend to have (by myself) after the kids have gone to bed. Oh NO!!!! I think I am a closet food-a-holic!! Many times at a function, if I'm trying to be "good", I won't have dessert, because I know I'll still want it later. How silly is that?

Anyway, so I determined to not eat until I actually felt physical hunger. I ate a normal breakfast at 9:30, lunch at 2:00 & I still (6:30) haven't eaten dinner (though I fed my family, which was kind of weird...I did sit with them, though). I was all prepared for those temptations to come & praise God, they were easily managed with a few "bullet prayers" throughout the day. But, here's the problem: I was so BORED!!!! I did what I do on a typical Friday (taught the girls, cleaned the house a bit, started preparing my bible study for the best small group ever :) and other duties), but I had a lot more free time on my hands than normal & I really didn't know what the heck to do with myself. That may not seem like a problem to anyone else, but to me that shows that 1) I often turned to food just to DO something & 2) I don't know how to be still. This is not a surprise to me, really. I've always been a restless spirit, but it's kind of pathetic, too. No wonder I am typically all stressed out....I don't know how to relax. I need to learn how to: "Be still and know that I am God."

http://www.christiancourier.com/articles/read/be_still_and_know_that_i_am_god

I love to praise the Lord, I love to read His word, I spend time in prayer, for myself & others, but I have still never really learned to just "be still" with the Lord. My mind is always racing 1,000 miles an hour & every time I try, the most ridiculous things pop into my head. Everything from what I need to do next week, to the answer to a trivia game I played last week (I get those answers in my sleep, too...very helpful). So, I guess that's something else I need to work on. I could certainly use my wonderful husband as a role model for this area: he'll just be sitting in the chair & I'll ask, "what are you thinking about?" and he'll reply, "nothing" & mean it!!! Oh, how I would love to sit and think about nothing. Really.

God bless you all, Dianna

Repentance

Day #3:

Good day :) Thank you to my wonderful friends reading & leaving me encouraging messages. Just thinking someone might read this helps hold me accountable & I know I'm not alone in this struggle. I have already met one of my goals for the week: to exercise 3 times this week. Praise God, I did it!!! But, I am still getting up tomorrow to "Walk, Power Walk" (Leslie Sansone) because it will be easier to keep the habit if I don't stop. I love her stuff because it's so simple (no difficult moves to follow), but I should get some more DVDs, because it does get pretty boring. On the other hand, I can kind of zone out during them & pray while I work out, so maybe boring's not a bad thing sometimes. Anybody have any suggestions for work-out DVDs? I need low impact & no silly dance moves (I'm not too coordinated).

I was listening to a tape today about repentance that really got me thinking. What is repentance? I found this on Wikipedia: "a change of mind accompanied by regret and change of conduct, 'change of mind and heart', or, 'change of consciousness'. " I was thinking, if I really think my eating habits are often sinful (which I do), then I really need to repent from my behavior if I expect God to help me. I have prayed so many times for God to give me strength to overcome my bondage to food, yet many of those times, even as I was praying, my flesh was fighting against it. Ever had an experience like that? I always chalked it up to lack of faith, but maybe it goes deeper? I don't think I really had a repentant heart about it. "A change of mind accompanied by regret..." I certainly regretted getting fat & letting things get out of control, but did I really have a contrite heart about it? "...change of conduct..." Always...for a little while. "...change of mind and heart..."....no, not really. Even when I was "being good", I always felt bad for myself, that I was missing out. My heart still was with the food. Anyway, so I turned off the tape & cried out to God. I don't mean..."Dear God, please forgive me & help me..." I mean, I CRIED out to God & wept & really understood that my behavior in this area has not only grieved me, but it grieves Him. I repented for all the times I turned to food instead of to Him; for using food as an idol. No more---I'm done. I really feel that this time is for real.

All righty then. God bless & keep you all, Dianna

Gluttony

Day #2:

Today went well. I excercised, ate well :) I was craving something sweet, so I was going to have a yogurt, but when I compared labels, I realized there was as much calories & fat in a serving of ice cream, and the yogurt didn't have much more nutrition. Maybe I ough to check the yogurt labels a bit better before I buy more. Anyway, I opted for a serving of ice cream. Haha!! I usually eat about 6 times that amount, easily. Oh, well...it was yummy & actually satisfied my craving. On the idea of being realistic (for once) I need to be proactive & find sweets that are low calories & still yummy. Part of the many reasons I have failed at this quest for weight loss so many times is because I tend to do all or nothing, which always backfires. Moderation is good. Gluttony is bad.

Speaking of gluttony, what is it? A friend asked me that tonight (hi Jane) & I tried to look into it a bit better. Didn't find much of a biblical definition, although it seems to be related to drinking to excess. The bible says gluttony can lead to poverty & I think it can be used to describe overindulgence in many different areas, not just food. All I know, is I am addicted to food & have been all my life, even when I was somewhat skinny. The only time I have not obsessed over food was when I first went cold-turkey and gave up sugar entirely. Food didn't have the same physical hold over me. BUT...I really didn't lose any weight & after the initial process, I didn't really feel better or have more energy, so what's the point? I did at first, but I think that was because I wanted it so badly. Eating out anywhere was nearly impossible, because there's sugar in everything. I need to do something I can stick with. I need to change the focus of my thoughts & turn to Jesus EVERY time I am tempted to overeat or shirk off from excercise.

I found this definition for addiction: "Addiction is bondage to the rule of a substance, activity, or state of mind, which then becomes the center of life, defending itself from the truth so that even bad consequences don't bring repentance, and leading to further estrangement from God." http://www.americaskeswick.org/addiction/trfood.shtml I can't say I spend every minute thinking about food, because I don't. But I am guilty of turning to the cookie jar first when I am sad or lonely, bored, mad, even happy. I need to break the cycle of turning to anything for comfort other than the Lord. From the same web-site, I found this: "When you are tempted to overeat, choose to be satisfied in Christ alone. Romans 13:14, 'But put on the Lord Jesus Christ and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts.' This is in no way an excuse for my indulgences, but we live in a culture that encourages us to satisfy our flesh NOW. Don't have $$? Put it on the credit card. Have a craving? Indulge. I think it's ok to indulge occassionally, but not as a way of life.

Ok...I'm tired. Hopefully, these new habits will also help me to sleep better. AAhhh...lack of sleep connected to lack of weight loss...another topic for another blog.

Til tomorrow, Dianna