God loves me

Apropos of nothing, God loves you!! Just a reminder & a reminder to myself. Having a horrible week emotionally, although physically fine:) Happy New Year!! Love, Dianna

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to my Last Blog

Hi,

Well...it's been quite a crazy few weeks. The day after I last posted I got SICK. Oy!! It was a pretty good one I'm still not 100% over. Couldn't talk for a week, had a nasty cough at night that nothing touched. Got a nasty eye infection. Fun, fun, fun..... BUT, at the same time, I stuck to my no gluten/no wheat/no yeast dealio & it's a bonafide miracle, I think. The pain that I've had in my legs forever is completely gone. I've been sleeping, and, most importantly, not feeling fatigued. I really think I may have found the problem that has plagued me & taken over my life for years. Part of me is super excited, part of me thinks it's too good to be true. Time will tell, I guess. If this is the problem, my eating/cooking habits will be changing drastically. I am trying to learn all I can, because they stick wheat into EVERYTHING!!! I like to cook, but I do eat my share of processed foods for simplicity's sake, but that won't really be an option. But, I will certainly commit to it if it means I can feel like a human being again. Oh yea, I've lost 11 pounds since my last post. God is good!!!

Merry Christmas!! Love, Dianna

Speed Racer

Well, As I posted; yesterday was my birthday. I got another very nice gift, a "get out of jail card free". OY!! I was going down a hill & had picked up some speed (54 MPH in a 35 MPH zone to be exact), and , of course, a police officer pulled me over. OY!! I have to be honest, I was tempted to try to fib my way out of the situation, but I just told the guy, "I am SO sorry, and I know it's no excuse, but I don't usually drive this fast!!" When he went into his car to check my record, the girls & I are were just praying that God would grant me mercy. I knew I deserved a ticket, but I, of course, don't want one & can't really afford 1. He was in there a L-O-N-G time, but he ended up just writing me a warning & telling me I could consider it a $190 birthday gift from him. I was SO appreciative & you can bet I didn't speed the whole rest of the day.

Isn't that a great example of the mercy God shows us? I deserved that ticket. I knew the speed limit, had no excuse, but I didn't get one. Heehee :)

On another note...goal #1: good still :) Goal #2: Not so good yesterday. It was my birthday & I went to 2 places where the main event was food. I didn't do terribly, but not so great, either.

On even another note: I am trying something else which has nothing to do with weight & more to do with health. I try not to complain about it often, because it really doesn't do any good, but I feel tired nearly every moment of my life & achy, etc.....I've tried various things over the years. The last time I started feeling really good & "normal" was when I had lost the weight last year, so it might have to do with just the extra weight. But, I am going to try to eliminate all gluten from my diet for a week & see if I feel any better. I've heard of people having different food intolerance's that were hard to detect, but made them feel similar to the way I do. Part of me feels like feeling crappy is just my cross to bear in life...part of me says there's something I can do about it & don't give up. Please pray for me in this, that God would reveal where the problem is & how to treat it. I am convinced that every day life for me is more difficult than God has intended. Either that or I am a big old hypochondriac....& considering I go to the doctor's once every 3 years, that's probably not the case. Long post. Oh well...have a good day. Enjoy the mercy & grace of God :) Dianna

Happy Birthday to me!!

It's my birthday. I'm old! 34! Ah, well....getting older doesn't bother me. Looking old does, but hey, what can I say? I have been doing well in my first goal. Now, I will go to goal #2: eating smaller portions. I actually had to give this second goal some thought. The Christmas season is, obviously, filled with numerous get-togethers, parties, special treats, etc.....NOT the ideal time to begin eating right again. So, I debated whether to try to set my next goal to be not eating past a certain time, or not eating until I'm REALLY hungry, etc.....but I figured this might be the most reasonable one considering the circumstances. This way, I can still enjoy my holidays while, hopefully, at least not GAINING any weight through it.

This "1 goal at a time" concept, as simple as it is, could actually work for me. My mind woke up at 5:30 today & when I checked the time, I SO wanted to stay cuddled up under the warm covers. But, I told myself: this is your only goal of the day. It really worked to get me out of bed & it's really just that initial action that gets me to exercise. I mean, what else am I gonna do at 5:30 in the morning?

Anyway, about my birthday....we celebrated it last night since Tony & I have our adoption class again tonight & won't all be together as a family until late. The girls wrote me stories. Very cute. And hubby painted me a nativity on rocks. Very cool & very unique. Bet you don't have 1.

God bless you all, Dianna

1 Goal at a Time

Day 3 of consistently waking up right away & exercising. It's tough, especially today, when I woke up at 5:30. But, hey, my sweet hubby wakes up at that time almost every day. And, not only did I exercise, but I also got something I really needed to get done done already. Now, I can feel like anything else I accomplish is a bonus. It's a simple idea, but it just might work: 1 Goal at a time. Apropos of nothing, it reminds me of an older lady who used to be on our worship team. We were goofing off at rehearsal once, singing silly songs & she started singing "One Toke over the Line, Sweet Jesus". We died laughing & had to explain to her what the song meant, because she thought it was just about taking another step with Jesus. Funny stuff. Old ladies singing about pot. Anywho, 1 goal at a time. Have a good day, Dianna

Thanksgiving Hang-Over

Well,

I think I ate an entire turkey this past week. I didn't exhibit much self-control, most assuredly. Oh well, today's a new day. Did my 3 mile walk today. Feeling ok about things. I have to admit my eating/exercise habits have not been at the forefront of my mind lately (probably why I haven't been achieving lots of success). I am thinking a lot about the adoption process we are going through. Now that we are nearing the end of our MAPP classes & finishing the home study process, it's all seeming a bit more real. Although it could take us forever to find a good match, it could be as soon as 2-3 months from now. I'm excited & like..."AAaaahhhh!!!!!" I'm thinking about how much my life will change. Which is fine, but scary, too. I am also thinking that I NEED to get organized. Our family life is largely unstructured because 1) we are homeschoolers and can be 2)my girls operate better without so much structure. It's SO much easier to teach them when they are their best rather than arbitrary times 3) I have NO discipline. It's truly amazing I get anything done at all. BUT, I'm thinking....adding another kid into the fray is going to change all that. What are the chances this little boy will sleep in until 8:30, like my girls usually do? Not likely!! I know it will all work out with time, but I keep thinking how much easier it would be to try to get organized NOW before he comes. I keep thinking about it, yet doing very little about it. Maybe I could just concentrate on 1 thing: Consistently getting up early. When I do get up early, I exercise & get a lot of housework done before the girls even wake up. I already feel like I've accomplished something, so I don't feel that sense of being overwhelmed with how much I need to get done. Yeah, that's what I'll try. 1 goal a time: Getting up early!! God bless, Dianna

Letting Others Influence Me

Hello,

I did my 3 mile walk today, which felt great (always does when I'm done), took a walk (COLD) Sunday afternoon & a short walk Thursday night. Not a great track record in that department, but I could have done worse. In the eating department...oy vay!!! Not so good! The hardest for me (& probably most people) is going to events where EVERYONE is pigging out, such as, just for instance, Sunday's Patriots game. Let's see, I had a normal sized breakfast, then at the game I ate: 1/2 sausage sub (would've eaten the whole one, but I wanted to make sure there was enough to go around), a whole slew of chips & dip, a sliver of a piece of pizza, a cookie & a hefty piece of pumpkin cheesecake. Then, at night, even though I wasn't even hungry, I ate a peanut butter English muffin, a tiny portion of pasta & 2 oatmeal cream Little Debbies. Oh, yeah...I also had a hot chocolate after our COLD walk. Granted, I don't typically eat THAT much in a day & I do think there are times you can splurge a bit, but jeez!!! Football games are far too frequent to eat like that. And, my justification (at the time was....the others were eating more than me---well, the boys were, at least). But, what kind of logic is that? I need to take care of my body. I'll be living in mine until I die, not theirs, so if they choose to stuff theirs, that's their problem. I can't let other people be my cause for 1) motivation or 2)lack of motivation. The motivation has to come from within & therein lies the problem....I've got none!!! Help me Lord!!

What's keeping you From god?

I haven't written in a while, which is typically a sign that I've not been doing well in the eating/exercising department. But, I've had a good few days & I did the 4 mile walk this morning, so I am happy with myself.

I went to the doctor's Thursday for my yearly physical (haha....every 3 years or so, for me) & all is well. He didn't even yell at me for being overweight, which was nice :) I fully expected him to & had my guard up. How silly. I know I need to lose weight, what difference does it make if a doctor tells me so or not? Actually, the fact that he didn't tell me to makes me more motivated to lose weight than if he had. How silly.

Anyway, the whole idea that I was so worried what this doctor I had never met before would say about my weight just confirms 2 things: 1) I care too much about what others think & not enough about what is right for me 2) I am tired of being insecure about my weight.

I just saw some pictures of me taken before I started putting back on the weight & I was actually smiling a genuine smile. I could so tell that i was legitimately happy & I really was so much happier. I've only gained about 10 pounds back, but the reality is I was eating right & taking care of myself. And, truthfully, I was feeling closer to God. The way I feel about dreading going to see the doctor when I am overweight is the same feeling I get about God sometimes, which is ridiculous. I know I'm not doing everything I should, so I hide. I mean, not completely....I still read my bible every day, pray, serve in ministry, etc.....but I have definitely felt my time alone with God has been suffering because I know I'm screwing up in this area. How sad...because, truthfully, He's the only one who can help me. And, He's there waiting for me. So, if there is anything keeping you from a closer relationship with Jesus, don't be a dope like me!!!! He loves us & He knows we're not perfect. He wants to help restore us in EVERY area of our lives. But, to get that help we need, we must first recognize that God HATES sin, but LOVES us. If we have accepted Christ as Saviour, He wants us to succeed. He's FOR us, not against us. We need to receive a revelation of how very much God loves us before we can succeed. Otherwise, we're just trying to be good, which never works for long. We need to submit every part of our lives to Christ & He will change us from the inside out...if we cooperate with His spirit. Now, time to take my own advice.

God bless, Dianna

Another 3 miles

Got up & walked again this morning with my pal, Leslie Sansone. Which is good. What is bad is I ate 1/2 a pan of butterscotch crunchies yesterday. Granted, it was a very small pan & they are one of my favorite foods (rice crispies, butterscotch chips & peanut butter), but still. Uggh!!! What a pig. Oh, well....today is a new day.

I was reading the Message this morning (a paraphrase of the bible) & this was SO meant for me: 2 Corinthians somewhere in chapter 6 (the Message doesn't give verse #s) : "You know the old saying, 'First you eat to live, and then you live to eat'? Well, it may be true that the body is a temporary thing, but that's no excuse for stuffing your body with food.......Since the Master honors you with a body, honor him with your body!"

I've said this before, but I think gluttony, laziness & those types of things are so overlooked as sins nowadays. We just kind of joke about them & commiserate with each other when we gain the extra pounds & let ourselves stay in front of the boobtube for hours. We obsess over the weight, but we don't feel badly enough about pigging out on a regular basis. Some days, if I'm honest, the amount of food my family eats really could feed a village. Yesterday, I was reading a small, local paper & it was saying our food pantry has gone from serving 20 people a month to 129 in the last month alone & are expected to see an increase when it gets even closer to winter. The girls & I rummaged through our cabinets & donated some things right then (before we forgot & our good intentions crumbled away). People in my neighborhood are going hungry & I am eating 1/2 a pan of very fattening & somewhat pricey sweets. I know there's a time for everything, including indulging. But, when I indulge every day, that just makes me a pig & an unhealthy one at that. And, really...if I cut back, I could help others more, which makes me so much happier in the long run.

I know all this...I believe it...why do I keep repeating these behaviors? God help me, Dianna

Back (again)

Well, I got up & did my 3 mile "Walk, Power Walk" today. It's amazing how quickly I can completely abandon all good habits. I really must learn to deal with stress better, because the reason I stopped (this time) is because I've been stressed out. I need to learn to take care of myself better. When things are stressful, isn't that exactly the time you should take care of yourself the most?

I am scheduled to see my Doctor this Friday for an annual check-up. In my case, it's more like every 3 years, since that's the last time I've even been to the doctor. In fact, I haven't even met this guy. We moved here 2 years ago & I've never even spoken to the man or seen his face. The only reason I'm going to see him is because I need a form filled out for the adoption process we are going through. He won't fill out the form saying I'm healthy because he has no idea who I am. Picky, picky...... Is there a link between my not wanting to ever go to the doctor's & eating too much/not exercising enough?? Any psychologists reading this thing? All I know is I have been given 1 body & I need to learn to take better care of myself. Not just for my own sake, but for the sake of all the people I love. Especially those who rely on me. They deserve a healthy mom. So, here I go again. Resolution #1,678,994 to eat better, exercise more & get fit for the race. 1 Corinthians 9:24 "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." The prize I'm searching for is to please Jesus. I can do that better if I start by valuing myself & not satisfying my flesh with hohos and dingdongs on a regular basis :)

God bless, Dianna

Still in the Fight

Hello,

I am bummed because I hurt my back Saturday & have not been able to do my aerobics yet, although I am feeling better bit by bit. Maybe tomorrow? I have not been totally inactive, however. Tony & I took a leisurely hike through Douglas State Forest Sunday after church (kind of funny, because we were not prepared & were still in church clothes & shoes). Then, we walked around Quabbin a bit on Monday. I took a short walk while the girls were at Gymnastics yesterday & hope to take a long walk tonight when hubby gets home. So, I'm at least still walking while I heal. Eating, on the other hand, could be better. Pot-luck on Sunday was not so great. I could have done worse, but truthfully, I was caught off guard & hadn't even prayed about it, so of course, I did what came naturally.....eat everything!!! Actually, I was among the last in line, so there wasn't everything left, but I ate a lot. The last two days have been OK, but not good. I definitely need to commit it to prayer A LOT more than I have been the last few days. This is actually a pretty stressful time for me & I feel pulled in too many directions, so it is hard to stay focused. But, I am determined to persevere & win at least some of the battles. Winning some of the time & staying in the fight is better than conceding & losing them all, right?

God bless, Dianna

Gilad

Well...I just finished 45 minutes of torture with Gilad. Does anyone remember him? I think he was pretty big in the 90s. Tony & I used to do his TV work-outs sometimes in college in his mom's living room; which is a funny memory. A tiny living room with too much furniture & 2 clumsy kids trying to do aerobics. Heehee. Well, today was funny in a different way...in a pathetic way. But I did it! I'll not lie & say I did it 100 % full steam--I modified it a bit during the last 2 segments. But, it's a more strenuous work-out than I'm used to, which I need once in a while. It feels good knowing I can even mostly do it. At least not in as bad of shape as I was when I first started this process last November. I have been still walking a few days a week during my "interlude", which is much better, of course, than no exercise at all. Not just for weight, but for health in general.

It was brutal getting out of bed this morning. I had a tough day mentally yesterday & spent a good part of the afternoon/evening in bed watching Upstairs, Downstairs (OLD British series) & was in quite a funk, which carried over to waking up. BUT, I forced myself to get up & I'm glad I did. I feel pretty good right now. I really do have to wonder sometimes if I have a real chemical/hormonal imbalance or something. Anyway, the reason I say that is because I took a long walk yesterday, which was nice, but it always seems like I need a real work-out....ie raising my heart rate to actually feel better. Who knows, it could just be coincidence. But, I also remember that when I was really "on the wagon", whenever I felt that awful slump in the afternoon, I would do a quick jog around the house or something & it really seemed to help. Maybe I'll start trying that again & see what happens. It's hard, though, because when you feel tired & run down, the last thing you want to do is a bit of exercise.

Anyway, enough babbling. Jane, in answer to your question about what you "signed on" for?? I don't know...that has to be up to you, of course & what you feel you should aim for. As for me, I am trying to 1) Exercise...(.seems to be what I need to make the other things effective) 2)Eat when I'm hungry only 3)Eat fairly healthy foods most of the time 4)Eat sweets/junk in moderation 5) Drink plenty of water 6) Blog, bevause even if it's only you reading it, it still helps me to know someone might be & to process my own thoughts/keep me focused. It's not anything drastic or revolutionary, but I know it works & I can do it if I 7) most important...lift it up before God every day. That I would find the balance of finding pleasure in eating, but not looking for my joy or comfort in it, which can only come from God.

I'll be praying for you. Love, Dianna

I Think I'll Go For a Walk Outside, Now

Hello, people!

I lost 3 pounds!! Woohoo!! Very excited & back on track. 7 more pounds & I'll be right back to where I started from at the beginning of the summer. Oh, well....at least the #s are heading in the right direction. I just took a long walk around the lake near my house & I'm pooped, but it felt good to get outside. Ya know, even though I live in the boondocks, there's quite a few people around me, but they must all be hermits, because in all the walks I've taken over the last 2 years, I've only met a handful of people.

Anyway....last night at my small group, my friend made some chocolate chip cookies to share. They looked yummy & last week, I would eaten 3 or 4, but I had already had a treat & so I didn't. The exciting part is it wasn't even a struggle, really. I remember that happening when I was really committed to this thing months ago. That many times, the temptations had no power & I can only attribute that to God. I mean, I always pray, but this time & months ago (before I fell off the wagon) I am & was really submitting my will to God & totally trusting that He will overcome for me. In me. Through me. Because, I have proven to myself time & time I again that I have absolutely NO WILL-POWER. But, the good news is; I don't have to. All I have to do is remain in Jesus & He will do the work for me. I just have to cooperate with Him.:

John 15:4-5 (Jesus said) "Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

Self-control is one of the fruits of the spirit. I can't just try REALLY hard to produce this fruit...it doesn't work! I need to remain in Him & submit my thoughts & actions to Him & He will develop this fruit (&others) in me. Cool, huh?

Now, go take a walk. God bless, Dianna

Football games are evil

Howdy,

Another day of waking up & exercising :) I ate pretty well today & yesterday, too. Not on Sunday, though. I went to my sister's house for the Patriots game & ate too much because there was lots of yummy things to eat. I didn't completely go crazy, though. I could have (&have) done much worse. Then again, I could have done much better. The important thing is I got back on the wagon & started right again on Monday, so that's all I can do, right?

Another goal of mine is to try to eat tiny meals more frequently. When I eat a regular-sized breakfast; I am typically not hungry again until dinner & I really don't want to eat unless I'm hungry. But, if I go that long between meals, I find I get a bit shaky & discombobulated. Is that a real word? I actually think I might have hypoglycemia or whatever that is where your blood sugar dips dramatically. Because, I will be walking around full of energy one moment & need to lay down the next. Oh well, it's not like I'm going to get it checked out or anything, because that would require seeing a doctor, which is not likely to happen.

Anyway, I am happy with my progress so far. Jane....welcome to the wagon. The next time I don't want to finish my soda, I will cover it with saran wrap. Then, I will bring it to you as a present. Then, I won't be wasting it. Heehee. What can I say? I'm weird.

God bless, go do some jumpin' jacks, Dianna

Waking up is hard to do

Well.....the excitement & energy I felt yesterday at jumping out of bed didn't apply today, but....I got out of bed anyway after a bit of an internal struggle. Picture the old Disney cartoon with the angel with a halo on one shoulder & the devil with the pitchfork on the other. Thankfully, the angel won. I added a mile today; doing Leslie Sansone's 4 mile walk. I feel pretty good about that. I ate pretty well yesterday, although I could have eaten a bit less at dinner. I made a new recipe for Butternut squash soup which I personally thought was fantastic. So, I had that with salad & garlic bread. I ate a bit more than I needed, but I didn't pig out, had a small dessert & no snacks after dinner. However, I made the dumb move of having a caffeine free diet coke after dinner, which I didn't finish until 8:00, which probably contributed to my poor sleep last night :( How quickly I forget that I can't drink anything at night!!! I was too cheap to not finish it, how ridiculous is that? What's even more ridiculous is that I got the soda for free in the first place. Haha. Oh, well.....

I had a bit of a tough afternoon/evening yesterday. My youngest daughter (8 1/2) has been ultra emotional, quickly angered & ungrateful lately & we had a blow out about something she thought was unfair. Neither one of us handled it well, but she's 8, so she was over it in minutes while I felt guilty about it all night long. I asked her forgiveness, which she gave, and I know Jesus always forgives us when we are truly repentant, but sometimes I have difficulty forgiving myself. The reason I mention it is that I am happy I didn't turn to food for comfort, but sad because I spent most of the evening plopped in front of the TV instead of the million things I could have been doing. Part of my whole weight loss goal needs to be to learn to manage stress properly, because often it is the food that I go to, which is not good. Oh, well.....I will figure it out someday. That's my new motto. God bless you, Dianna

Resist and he will flee

Hello,

I just finished another work-out & I feel "mah-velous", darlin'. I truly do. I slept last night, praise God!! People prayed for me last night after our small group bible study & I slept!!! I'm sure it helped that I didn't drink anything (I'm not talking Jack Daniels or anything, I mean plain old water) after 7 & no snacks after dinner. Plus, I exercised. I know those are 3 things I MUST do if I am to have the slightest hope of getting a decent night sleep. I fell asleep around??10:00, woke up briefly when a disappointed hubby came to bed (disappointed because we don't get the channel the Red Sox game was on, poor guy) & slept through until 6:00 :) Normally, if I woke up at 6:00, I would groan & roll back over & pull the covers over my head because I am still tired. But today I did what I need to do---physically get out of bed when my mind wakes up. I jumped out, pulled on my athletic gear....ie tshirt & Tony's boxer shorts heehee & exercised. And I feel mah-velous.

Last night, when I came home from my small group, I was DYING for a snack. It doesn't matter what I have eaten through the day...much or little...sweets or no sweets...I ALWAYS crave something before bed, even though it's horrible for me. I was just about to give in when I said to myself, "Self....if I still want it this badly in an hour, I can have it" & I set my mind on other things. Well, after about 15 minutes, I started feeling sleepy & I realized I truly wasn't craving it anymore. James 4:7 says "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." God will allow trials in our lives because He wants us to draw closer to Him & increase our faith. It's the devil who tempts us, but we can overcome if we only submit to God & wait out the storm. The devil will go away...he'll be back again, but temporarily he'll leave you alone once he sees who you're clinging. All I need to remember is to fight those temptation battles one at a time & when & if I fail, to ask forgiveness & do it right the next time. My down slides usually happen when I've failed a few times, start feeling sorry for myself & then give in altogether. One of these days I'll get it right.

Jane, hop on the wagon with me :) Love, Dianna

I'm Hee-re!!

Well,

It's been an incredibly long time since I posted; with good reason! I didn't have many good things to say. I have been steadily going downhill, gaining weight back & not exercising :( The BAD news is I've gained 10 pounds back :( The good news is I am still 20 pounds less than when I originally started this process back in November 2007.

I got up this morning to do Leslie Sansone's 3 mile walk & it felt really good to be doing something about my circumstances for a change instead of planning on doing it tomorrow, or wishing I would get my act together, etc....I did something positive for my health today. It's a start in the right direction.

How dumb is it that we, as humans, usually know what we need to do, yet find a million reasons why we shouldn't do it, or look to other solutions to solve the problem because the real solution is too difficult, or boring, or makes us confront larger issues? I know what I need to do to lose weight & get healthier. I need to eat in moderation, exercise consistently & drink plenty of water. Easy, right? But, there's so much more wrapped up in it. I'm lazy. I want to satisfy the cravings of my flesh. I don't want to learn how to manage my stress in healthier ways. Aaahhh.... But, in reality, I know when I was "on-track", I was so much happier & less stressed out. Once I get back into the swing of getting up to exercise, it will become habit & I won't have to fight the laziness quite so hard.

So, although I have failed at this time & time again....here I go again for another round; with hope. Not in my own self, but in the ability of the God I serve to change me. To give me the self-control I need. Thankfully, I serve a God who gives without holding our past sins against us. Although I have failed so many times, been a glutton, been lazy, not taken care of the body He gave me; I can still go boldly to His throne asking Him once again to forgive me & help me succeed in this area: James 1:5 "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. " He gives without finding fault, when what we ask is according to His will & we pray with faith. Well, I know His will is that I am healthier & I have faith that He answers prayer. God is good...even when we're not.

God bless you all.....go get some exercise :) Dianna

Take a Hike!

I haven't written in a while. I'm a slacker. Hasn't the weather been amazing lately? My hubby took Friday off & we've had a wonderful long weekend. Took some hikes, played tennis, ate a lot of ice cream & junky food. I got sunburned pretty badly :( and my forearms a bit sore from playing tennis (badly) 2 days in a row & drumming, but the rest of me feels great! It's so nice to be able to do active stuff & not be totally sore & pooped from being so out of shape. Not that I'm in top form, but I'm a lot better than I was last summer, that's for sure! Hopefully, all the activity will at least balance out the fatty foods I ate. Not doing so hot on the eating side. I am SO excited that my girls both actually enjoyed the hikes we took. I LOVE to hike...love to be out in nature & to see different areas, but it's always been a bit of drudgery with the kids because they would complain, but they actually enjoyed them this time :) My hubby & I are already looking into where to find the next trail. What a cheap/free/healthy/adventurous way to spend a day. I also really want to get into Letter Boxing or Geo caching this year. It looks like so much fun, the whole family can get exercise & quite a few have some cool history tidbits as well. God bless you all. Enjoy this world that God created. Praise Jesus, Dianna

All intertwined

Well, I lost back the 3 pounds I gained. Woohoo!! I am going to have a great day today. I have had a tough week & have been on a non-sleeping jag. My wonderful hubby kicked me out of the house yesterday & told me "don't be a teacher or a mommy or a wife or a leader today, just be Dianna". Isn't he swell? I took almost the whole day & feel very refreshed today. I actually got a few practical things done, but it was my choice & not because I had to. I took a nice walk at Quabbin, which I haven't been to in years. Nice place to walk...water is always soothing to me. I need to let go of the idea that taking time for myself is selfish. It's really kind of essential for my sanity & the atmosphere in this house. I like to joke that if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, but it's really kind of true. Even Jesus took time away from the crowds to refresh. We know He's not selfish. Taking regular times to refresh is so important for me, especially, because I have always needed lots & lots of alone time. If I don't make it a priority, it just doesn't happen naturally. I'm with my kids all the time & I'm with people all the time. I love people, but being with a group, unless I am really comfortable with them (which takes me a long time) exhausts me. I enjoy it, but it wipes me out. Anyway, since I am now on the kick of every thing's intertwined in my life, I need to recognize that if I take the time to refresh every week, it will help everything else. It's so weird, though...all this "wisdom" I am discovering is so counter to what comes naturally. It's like I am having to unlearn just about everything. Have a good day, God bless, Dianna

Gaining is Losing :(

Well, For the first time since I started this journey, I've gained weight. It was only a matter of time because I have been on the wagon/off the wagon for a while now. I gained 3 pounds back. Not the end of the world, but the buck stops here!!! I refuse to go back to anywhere close to where I was. I will lose it back & then some.

Romans 7:21-25 : "So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin."

This internal struggle is not unique to me. My spirit wants to be obedient, but my flesh wants to do whatever feels good/ tastes good at that moment. Those verses seem entirely hopeless until you read "Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord!" I can't win this battle alone & if I'm failing, that only means I haven't been seeking enough help from the only one who can give me victory/ With Him, all things are possible. Without Him...forget about it!!

God bless & have a wonderful day, Dianna

Why am I doing this

Last night our church hosted a benefit dinner for the daughter of one of our members who has cancer. I had a leadership role & it was a lot of work mentally over the last month or so & physically. I thought it went pretty well, considering we've never done anything like it & most of the helpers had little to no experience serving. And, I think we helped raise a boat load of $$ to help defray the costs that are associated with having a young child that needs constant care. I had been up since 4:00 that morning & going all day until I got home around 9:00. I was tired, my neck was stiff, voice strained & a bit achy. This morning, I woke up at 5:30, fully expecting to feel like a train ran over me & I really didn't. I'm still tired & my neck is still a tiny bit stiff, but otherwise I feel fine. And, as I was praying & reading my bible this morning, it really just hit me why I'm doing this whole eating less/losing weight/exercising/not being lazy thing. It's so I can do whatever it is God calls me to do. I realized that, about 6 months ago, I might not have had the endurance to do what I did yesterday without feeling like absolute death. The whole title of my blog: "fit for the race" really says it all. Last night was such an encouragement to me that I'm on the right track & need to persevere. I want to be able to say "Yes, Lord!" to absolutely anything He asks...even if it's not physical, the better physical health I have, the better I can handle all sorts of things. I never want to meet my maker and have Him say, "I had this good work for you to do, but you couldn't do it because of...." It just gives me a fresh perspective...when I choose to satisfy the desires of my flesh...ie eating too much, being physically lazy...I am basically choosing myself over others. I want to be the best servant I can be & it doesn't just start with some big ministry, it starts by training myself to have self-control, to have discipline & work consistently at things, by putting the big picture front & center. What a good reminder that it's not about me at all. Above all else, what I desire is to hear someday, "Well done my good and faithful servant". I heard it said that how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. So true. If I can consistently learn to live a life filled with good habits concerning "little" things..., I will have let God train me to the point where I'll be ready when He has "big" things for me to do. Exciting news about your friend, Leah!!!!

God bless, Dianna

Flylady, Here I come!!

Doing pretty well the last few days even though I'm struggling with tiredness. I'm doing ok with the discipline thing & i think i am going to buy the FlyLady:

http://www.flylady.net/

I actually incorporated some of the stuff I learned from the web-site & a seminar I went to that was loosely based on her book about 2 years ago. I have to admit, it worked wonders, not only for my house, but for my mental state. But, then we decided to sell our house, move, yadda, yadda & I never got back to it. Now seems like a good time.

I've woken up a bit earlier the last few days, although with much resistance & grumbling against my flesh; or my flesh against my spirit, rather. But, it does make a difference. I am exercising & eating better (not fantastic, but better). Love you all...where's Spring??? God bless, Dianna

Eureka!

Yesterday was a better day. Much better. I got up early-ish to do Denise Austin this morning. It makes such a big difference when I wake up early & not lay around in bed trying to fall back asleep. I thought I already learned this lesson, but I guess I need to re-learn it: Get out of bed the first time my body wakes up!! I'll wake up early & then think I haven't slept enough (which I usually haven't) & so I try to fall back asleep again. Sometimes I do, but even then it's not good quality & it doesn't really help. I always feel better if I just jump out of bed, no matter what hour it is & start moving. It actually helps me feel less tired, BUT...it's just that physical getting up out of the nice, warm, cozy bed. I really am a lazy bum. Who can I blame for that? Hhmmmm... maybe my sister because she would always do my chores for me when I was younger. Yea, I'll blame her :) Really, I know it's something I struggle with. I'll work my butt off if it's something I'm passionate about, but I'm not passionate about many things---having a clean house for one. It just doesn't seem worth it. BUT, having a messy house affects my state of mind, which affects my eating habits, which affects my health, which affects my productivity, etc....Endless, brutal cycle. I am realizing (much to my chagrin) that, in order to stay focused on my quest for self-control in the area of eating & exercising, I need to develop self-control & discipline in all areas of my life. EUREKA!! But, I hesitate to even write this revelation down for fear someone will hold me accountable. People who know me well know "sticking to-it-ness" is NOT my strong point. God has certainly helped me in this area over the past few years. Not to pat myself on the back, because I know it's purely by the power of Christ, but I consider myself fairly consistent in the ministries I'm involved in, even when they get difficult, which they often do!! I am fairly consistent in teaching the girls, even though some days are , of course, more productive than others. However, I am severely lacking in consistency in the daily, mundane tasks. But, I really need to get some discipline into all areas of my life. That might involve---GASP!!!----a schedule. :( Lately, for various reasons, I have been second-guessing my decision to hs (don't we women second guess everything? When they were in public school, I second guessed that nearly every day, so a few times a year now isn't so bad, I guess) Anyway, part of the reason I was doubting was because it is very difficult to have any kind of discipline without any external factors. Think about it: If I don't get out of my pjs until 4 in the afternoon (which has been known to happen), no one cares. If I don't start school until 12, no one cares. My husband is a prince, so if the house is messy, no one cares (except me). For my hubby, if he has clean boxer shorts, socks, the children are alive & food on the table every night, he is a happy camper. The only motivation I have needs to come from within. Within is not a very motivated place most of the time. I am not one of those weird women who wake up & say, "I can't wait to clean the house today" (I know there are some of you out there). But, I need to find the motivation somewhere. I also need to set my own boundaries, because I never think I do enough, even when I'm probably doing a lot. With stuff like housework, that is never officially "done", how do you measure success? It's unrealistic to think I'm going to live in a spotless home. I have 2 little girls home most of the time & I want them to enjoy their house, too. So, if I set up some kind of schedule, I can check things off & maybe feel like I can take a break without feeling guilty. I think I need to buy a copy of the FlyLady. Anyway, I realize this a is a really long post & I babbling, but I think I have been treating this whole food thing as something I could continue to isolate, when really, everything is so connected. Well, God bless you all, Dianna

Overcome

BOO!! I am NOT doing well :( Really NOT at all. I have eaten quite horribly the past few days & am very disappointed in myself. I have still been exercising, but eating way too much & trying to justify it. I so need to get a grip before I undo everything God has so graciously un-done in the last few months. The heart of the matter is I'm lazy. I don't want to have to work at it. I just want it done & have all my bad habits completely gone. God has given me victory in this area, but that doesn't mean I can just sit back & do anything I feel like. I need to hold onto the victory & not willingly give it over, which I have been. First & foremost I need to have faith, but I also need to remember that the health of my body is worth fighting for. Worth investing time & prayer towards. I NEEd to do better. NOW!! Unfortunately, I gain weight a lot faster than I lose it, so I could be back to my old self in a blink of an eye. And I'm sure there's nothing satan would like better. BOO!! I will not be defeated!! 1 John 5:4 - "Everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith." Please pray for me. God bless, Dianna

2 More Down

Well, I can't understand how, except the grace of God, but I've lost another 2 pounds since I last weighed in. I haven't been doing super, but even at my worst, I've still been exercising a few times a week & not totally being a glutton. While I'm certainly not complaining, in an odd way, I almost feel guilty for losing weight...like I'm getting away with something. I really am weird, aren't I? Oh, well...I am just going to see it as a gift from God & resist the temptation to think I can eat crappy & still lose weight. I only lost 2 pounds in 2 weeks, so I probably would have lost more if I hadn't had so many rough patches, but I'll take every pound I can---or lose it, rather.

Isn't it funny how some #s mean more than others? I am now 2 pounds away from being under that 160 line. That would be nice. Maybe that can help motivate me, too...although I hesitate to pay too much attention to #s, because that is not my main focus. Reminder to self: My main focus is to NOT be a glutton, NOT to use food for comfort & NOT to be a lazy butt.

Leah, get back on that exercising wagon. You can do it!!! God bless, Dianna

I went to Wright's Chicken Farm Saturday & ate too much, but not to the point of disgustingness. I also had cake, m&ms & ice cream this weekend. Extenuating circumstances. I'm ok with it. Back on track today. I discovered today I can prop up a book while exercising & help avoid the BOREDOM factor. When hubby is home during the day, I can take a nice, long walk, but that's not too often. The book thing is BIG because I can't stand to be bored. Patience is not my strong suit. So hurry up & finish reading this blog!!!! Haha, I'm too funny. God bless, Dianna

New Motivation

Hello,

Ladies, thanks as always for your encouragement. Leah, good job losing 5 pounds :) Yesterday was a good day. I was able to take a long walk & have a nice long chat with God & am trying to recommit to the "fire" I had when I first started this venture. I got some new motivation to continue on, actually, in my brother-in-law, Harry. He's got some health issues I can safely assumed he's ignored for quite a while & has now admitted he needs to get serious about losing weight. So, my new motivation is to keep with it & try to be a good example for him. Not that I think he's watching my every move, but people always notice when you lose weight. Actually, they notice even more when you gain!! I was able to resist a HUGE temptation last night (I won't go into details :0) & exercised again this morning. Bye, bye slump. Have a good day everyone. God is good, Dianna

Standing Still

Not doing great. Not doing poorly. Kind of stuck. Lacking in motivation to break over this hump. I've got to get the 1,000 boxes of Girl Scout cookies we bought out of the house, that might help. God bless, Dianna

I Think I Can

My floor is in & I'm so happy!!! The carpet in my basement was SO yucky!!! Now I have a nice, new, clean floor. The stress was worth it!! (Jane, I'm glad I'm not the only one who stresses out about such things) Now I just have to bring everything back down here. Oh, well. It will be a good time to reorganize. Trust me, I could use some reorganizing. I didn't exercise today :( Too busy getting ready for my HS co-op. But, tomorrow, I'm determined to do it first thing in the morning. I think I can, I think I can....God bless, enjoy the snow, Dianna

WHACK!!

I'm all out of whack. My house is all torn apart because I'm getting a new floor put in the basement today (God willing). Everything downstairs is now upstairs. Including the TV I normally work out on. My routine is all screwed up. I've been exercising some, but not as much as I'd like. I also ate too much yesterday :( I didn't over stuff myself, but I ate lunch when I wasn't hungry, just because it was there & everyone else was. I need to get back on track. TODAY!!! I have to admit I'm kind of in a slump in various areas at the moment. Silly things stress me out. Like getting this new floor in. On the 1 hand, I'm excited, but on the other, I'm STRESSED!!! I've been up since 6:00....did I think the floor guys were going to install it at 6? Just having strangers in the house stresses me out. I'm so weird, I can't stand it. Oh, well. I will be thrilled when the house is back to "normal". I can't stand all these piles of things in my living room. Lots of things I can't stand today. Poor me...ha ha. NOT!! I know I'm blessed. I just need to snap out of it. Have a lovely day.

A Ridiculous Post

Well, I realized a while ago that in my weight loss #s, I have actually mistakenly used my highest weight ever, not the weight I actually was when I started this journey. It didn't bother me when I realized that, because it was not intentional, but I feel God keeps laying it on myheart to clear it up. I know it sounds ridiculous, but who am I to argue? Anyway, for the record, I have lost 32 pounds, not 35, since the beginning of this blog. I doubt anyone cares, but now I have it off my chest. I feel silly, but guilty, even over small things. They can really weigh on you, don't you think? Have a lovely day. God bless, Dianna

35 Down

I've lost 35 pounds so far!! Woohoo! That's pretty darned cool, especially since I have been sick for most of this month & have been thrown off any semblance of a schedule. I want to thank my hubby for telling me not to eat the cookies last night. I actually listened for once, can you believe it? After pouting for a few minutes, I realized I really didn't want them that badly. I'm thinking I need to buy yuckier sweets for my kids to have around the house. The problem is, there's not that many sweets I HATE. But, maybe I can find 1 (that they still like, of course).



This has nothing at all to do with weight, but it's my blog, so what the heck. I hate housework!! And, what's more I hate that I hate housework. Being a SAHM & a homeschooling mom, we are home a great deal of the time, which of course causes lots of clutter & mess. I try to convince myself sometimes that it doesn't matter, but the truth is it does matter, to me anyway. I don't need a picture perfect house, but when it's messy, especially when it's really cluttered, I just don't function well. The worst is when every room is a disaster. No refuge. I just can't think amongst all the mess. But, I truthfully hate housework. I was throwing in a load of laundry this morning, all whiny & I just laughed at how pathetic I am. How many women in different countries today are still beating their clothes on a rock by a river & here I am complaining in my heart that I'm doing yet another load of laundry in my Maytag washing machine. How many families in this world have closets full of clothes...who can change into new outfits every day, if not (in my daughter's case) more than once a day? I am so blessed to even own a home (well, we share it with the bank:) & to have health & strength to do chores. I should be so grateful, but truthfully 99% of the time my daily duties feel like a punishment. I hate feeling that way. It's not right. I really need to pray about having a better attitude in this area because my chores aren't going away!! I am giving the kids the week off (they know public school kids are on vacation this week), so I wanted to try to spend the week getting the house in order. It's 1:00 & I have done very little thus far. Lazy bones!!

I need to remember Ecclesiastes 9:10: "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might." I have been blessed to ba SAHM & a homeschooling mom. Part of that job description is keeping an orderly house. I think I just need to realize it truly can be for the Lord. I am providing a safe & orderly environment in which my kids can grow & flourish & in which my husband can come home to relax after he comes home from work. I think part of the reason I hate it so much is because it seems so unimportant. But, it's really not. OK, that's enough babbling. God bless, Dianna

Tummy Troubles

I've been a bit under the weather again. I've had this weird knot in my stomache since Sunday night & yuckiness. I've been tired & dizzy, unable to eat much, etc....Yesterday, I finally had some "real" food, but I've been eating toast & gingerale all week. Oh, well....Needless to say I'm totally off track. I did a very short bout of exercise today, but didn't want to push it. I have to say I'm a bit discouraged by all these little bugs I seem to keep getting, but am determined not to let them throw me off. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be as good as new. Hope everyone had a nice Valentine's day. My biggest fan is the best Valentine ever. Love you all, Dianna

Girly

Thanks for the comments, ladies. Leah, it's funny you should mention the jeans...I was pretty excited to buy a pair of what I consider "girlie" jeans; meaning form fitting & not trying to hide everything. Not that I'll be wearing leather pants anytime soon :) I'm still a big fan of modesty in dress. But, when you're a certain size, you tend to think: "what will make me look less fat?", or "what will hide this roll here" haha. Now, I am beginning to be able to go into those high end boutiques (you know, like the Salvation Army:) & pick cuter things & not feel embarassed :) Pretty neat.

Love ya, God bless, Dianna

Can't always get what you want

I'm struggling a bit tonight with not having any goodies. I know I "can" have some, but I had some yesterday & it's already late, so I really shouldn't. If it weren't for my kids, I just wouldn't have any in the house, but there's no need to punish them just because I have self-control issues.

I just got back from my small group & we're starting to study the book of Romans. In the second part of the first chapter, Paul talks about how, if we continue to sin without repentance, God will eventually stop chasing after us & give ourselves over to our own sinful nature. He's talking specifically about non-believers, but I think the same can apply to Christians. I am just so grateful that I am finally coming to my senses in the area of food. I'm not "there" yet, but I am making progress & He is definately changing me & freeing me of these unGodly habits. I am thankful I finally heard His voice & responded & that He didn't give me over to my own desires. God is patient, but if we keep knowingly sinning, how can we really expect Him to keep forgiving endlessly? Especially if we're not truly trying to change & repent. Thanks for not giving up on me, Lord. Thanks for not always giving us what we want.

33 POUNDS!!

Woohoo! I've lost 33 pounds! Very psyched (yes, I grew up in the 80s). I'm back to exercising now that I am healthy again. It's quite a relief to know the good habits I've developed are sticking even with occassional breaks. That was always a down-fall before---I'd start something, get sick & never go back. No more! I am currently only 10 pounds more than my lowest weight post-children. That was at the end of my weight watchers stint & didn't last long at all, because what they "allowed" me to eat at that weight never satisfied me. There's no way I could do that forever. Now, I can eat whatever I feel like (in moderation & only when I'm hungry...i.e. when my body needs fuel). Yeehaw!! For some reason this particular # is super exciting to me. Of course, I'm nowhere near my lowest weight PRE-children, but that's another story altogether.

Leah & Jane...how are you ladies doing? God bless you all, Dianna

Almost Human

I'm feeling almost human again today. I did Leslie Sansone's 3 mile walk today & it nearly killed me, but I'm mostly recovered. It's tough getting back to exercising after a week off. But, I did it!

I was afraid to get on the scale today after a week of no exercising, but I was brave & did it anyway. I maintained. So, at least I didn't gain any back.

I'm still battling the cookies. The other day my hubby tried the whole "you said they're not worth it" ploy when I grabbed 2 Chips Ahoy & of course I ate them anyway. Later, I told him to try asking, "Do you want those cookies really badly?" instead. He is so sweet & he's trying to help me. BUT....there's something inside of me that just balks at ANYONE telling me what to do in certain areas. I swear, I felt like eating 10 cookies just to prove I could. Isn't that ridiculous? I guess I never fully overcame my teenage issues with authority :) For those of you who know Tony, you know he's not a meanie in any sense of the word & he's SO supportive of what I'm trying to do. It's really quite brave of him to even try to help me at all-- considering I have, in the past, bitten his head off many, many times:) At least this time, I just ate the 2 cookies. Guess that's progress. So, maybe if he phrases it as a question, it will just make me pause & examine my own self rather than activating my self-defense mode. Worth a shot. If the man is brave enough.
God bless, Dianna

BLAH

Well, I have been feeling yucky the last week or so. Have a weird cold/bug/who knows what that's still lingering. I haven't exercised in a week & am afraid that will register on the scale, but I really feel I need to keep resting as much as I can. And now, of course, my house is a pig sty, so any "extra" energy needs to be directed towards that trash heap. Oh where, oh where has my little maid gone? Or where oh where can she be?

I'm eating ok, but not great. I hope I'll be able to get back in the full swing of things when I'm 100%. God bless, Dianna

The Cycle is Broken

No cookies for 2 days. Yeehaw!! No sweets at all, actually. Today wasn't even difficult because I spent most of the day playing with my new toy (my flute). It's difficult, but I am learning. Life is good, nothing much to say. God bless, Dianna

If at First You Don't Succeed....

Guess what? I ate the cookies. Boo! Hiss! I even put the post it notes on there & my hubby reminded me of my own phrase "It's not worth it" & I said, "I know, but I need something, I've had a stressful day". See, it doesn't really bother me that I have sweets, it all boils down to WHY I have them (&how often). Yesterday, I had home school co-op & then my kids talked me into going to the library because some home schoolers were going to be there, so I did even though I was already exhausted. I love people & I am not anti-social, but I being in large groups of people (especially kids) drains me emotionally, mentally & physically. I can literally feel all my reserves draining. I've always been that way. I enjoy being around people, but then I NEED alone time or I'm running on fumes. Anyway, so at the library, the librarian tells my youngest (7), there's a book on hold for us upstairs, so she goes up there to get it. By herself. Without telling me. So, I freaked out & was running around calling her name, thinking she's been kid-napped or something. Arrggh!! Anyway, so I was stressed out & I had to make supper & get ready for rehearsal (which went awesome...Jane, you rock!) & so I had 2 stupid Chips Ahoy. And, actually, I had already had a cookie at co-op earlier :( I CAN'T fall back into the horrible habit of having food when I am sad/stressed/angry/tired/bored/lonely/celebrating etc.... I need to turn to the Lord in all of those instances. Food only helps for a half a minute anyway & then I'm stuck with the guilt. Blah, blah. I need to remember what Jesus told the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4:13-14:

" 'Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.' "

It's the same for food. If I look for comfort or stress relief from food, I will always have to go back to it because it never truly satisfies. It's head hunger, not real hunger.

The good news is I've lost 30 pounds!! Woohoo!! I will NOT EAT SWEETS TODAY!!!!! Lord, give me strength!! Love you all, Dianna

C is for Cookie

Well, I'm still doing OK. I took 2 days off of exercising (I blame hubby-BB- for throwing off my schedule yesterday. He was home because of MLKJ day. ) It's not really his fault, but I can still try. It's odd, because I feel guilty when I take a day or two off from exercising. I guess I still fear that I will revert back to old habits. But I got back on schedule today, so that's good.

I am still feeling like I need to stop eating sweets so often. I'm only having a bit every day, but?? It's just become a habit lately & I am eating 2 cookies or so every day...even the ones I don't even particularly love. I need to be more discriminating with my sweets, I think. Maybe if I make a rule for myself that I will only eat the sweets I really love or when I'm really craving them. I've not been "jones-ing" for them, but I've been eating them anyway. Last week it was Keebler chocolate covered grahams & this week it's been Chips Ahoy. They're OK, but it's not like cheesecake or Lindt chocolate or something. I can resist them if I ask God to give me the fruit of self-control. I'm going to go put a post-it on them that says, "Not worth it". Is that too crazy? Oh, well...who's gonna see it? Maybe my natural cheapness can work to my advantage. The less cookies eat, the less I will spend on cookies.

Leah, good job exercising. Your last comment to me is both flattering & scary. That anyone would look to me for anything is quite bizarre. I hope I don't steer you wrong. Jane, how goes your battle? Love you all. God bless, Dianna

Another Piece of the Puzzle

So, my mental state is much improved the last few days, thankfully. If there happen to be any men readers, my sincere apologies for this comment, but I swear I sometimes have PMS for like 2 weeks. I need to research natural remedies for crankiness or something. Oh, well...I am feeling 99% sane & that's good for me :)

I have gotten into a bit of a routine lately (eating wise) which is good & bad. Good in the sense that I've added some healthy elements to my routine--namely exercising & waiting until I'm hungry before I eat. But also bad because I am not paying as much attention to how MUCH I'm eating. I think this is because I'm just not thinking about it & praying about it as much as when I first started. So, I'm just eating my portion & not really paying that much attention to when I'm starting to get full. I'm still not over stuffing myself, but I know if I was eating slower & more prayerfully, I would be more aware of when I'm starting to get full & stop sooner than I am. Part of me feels like I've worked very hard to lose this weight (29 POUNDS!!) & so I kind of deserve to stop working at it so much & thinking about it so much, but in reality I'm not where I want to be yet & I have to keep working until ALL habits become second nature to me & not just some.

BUT....at least some habits are becoming second nature. I really don't have to lay in bed & debate with myself whether or not I'm going to get up & exercise. I just do it. And, I don't have to argue with myself when I should eat. I eat when I'm hungry. The only time this is an issue for me is when I'm at a special function & then I need to plan around it to make sure I'm hungry when the event happens.

Eating smaller portions more often is not going to work for me, I don't think. At least not at this point. It just provides more temptations than I feel like dealing with. It's far easier for me to accept I'm only going to eat twice a day( which is how often I get hungry) than trying to eat such a small portion each time in order to BE hungry more often. It was just frustrating me, so I'm not going to concentrate on that. My energy dips probably had more to do with my stinky attitude anyway, because I had been fine before that & am fine again now. Being stressed out is NOT good for your health. Why do I let myself fall into the same traps? I know better. Silly, silly woman.

Eating slowly is SO HARD!!!! Because I'm not giving it enough weight. Meaning, I'm not spending enough time/energy/ attention towards developing this habit. I've got to figure this out, because I know it's a big piece of the puzzle for me. It will help me eat less, it's better for digestion, I'll actually enjoy the food more. GOTTA do it!! Love you all, have a blessed day, Dianna

Many parts

I'm in a better mood today (&yesterday). My little "shut-in" did me good. I've slept fairly well the last two nights, too, so I'm sure that's helped. My new DVD came & I've done it the last 2 days....another Leslie Sansone--Walk Slim. It's 4 miles, but she does intervals of jogging & more intense moves, but it's still doable for me. I like them. It's nice to just have something different. My eating has been OK, but I think I really need to pay better attention, because I'm letting little things slip here & there & I don't want to go back to my old habits. I am afraid that I'm hitting a plateau. I've lost 28 pounds & I'm happy about that, but I would still love to lose a lot more. Ultimately, for me, it is about viewing food & exercise differently & being obedient to the Lord in these areas, but I still do want to lose weight, of course. Part of me says to just keep concentrating on the inner stuff & the rest will continue to happen, but part of me thinks I might need a goal at this stage to keep me focused. It's easy to just say, "Well, I'm not as big as I was", and let things slip, but I don't want to do that. Another part of me knows if I set an actual goal, I will focus more on the #s on the scale & try to achieve it any way I can rather than doing it the right way. I know, I know...how many "parts" do I have? Many, many, many. Some complex, most just boring :) OK...so, I just convinced myself I need to just keep concentrating on the "inner" work & the outer results WILL happen.

I still have not managed to achieve my two goals of eating smaller portions & to slow down. So, today I am concentrating on just 1....smaller portions. I had 1 piece of toast today for breakfast instead of my normal 2. So, I'm off to a good start. Zechariah 4:10 says, "Who despises the day of small things?" God bless, Dianna P.S. Jane...where are your blogs?

Roller Coaster

I'm not lacking for metaphors these days, it seems. My life just feels like a roller coaster lately. I'm happy as pie one minute, then I'm crashing down the next. Winter tends to be my hardest time (like most people, I think)--lack of sunlight, shorter days, yadda yadda. Although it's felt like spring lately. Anyway, I'm just terribly moody & having a hard time focusing. Well, focusing on things I'm supposed to be focusing on, anyway. And I'm ready to sell the children again.

Eating wise, I've been doing ok...not great, but ok. Friday night I went to a resource sharing night for the home school group I'm in & there were lots of goodies there. I didn't eat dinner before I went & I didn't stuff myself, but I certainly ate more than I should have & I knew it & didn't really even fight it, to be honest. I was having this inner dialogue with myself....reminds me of the old cartoons where there's an angel on one shoulder & a devil on the other. My excuses were lame. Like I said, I didn't go crazy & I wasn't ready to pop, but I ate more than I needed. BOO!!

Yesterday, I went out to lunch with my sister & a friend. Again, I did ok, but not great. I had the salad bar. The first plate should have been enough, but I went back for a little more (that I didn't need). Again, I didn't stuff myself, but I should have just stopped at that 1 plate. I justified myself in both cases by comparing what the other ladies ate, but what do I care what they ate? What they eat or don't eat isn't going to help ME lose weight, right?

Oh well. I REALLY think I need to just stop long enough to get my head on straight. 99% of my problems stem from my own brain & lack of a positive attitude. I can blame it on lack of sleep, kids being monsters, winter, etc....but the reality is it is my CHOICE whether I am happy or not. It's my CHOICE whether I get up early to exercise or not. It's my CHOICE whether I am obedient or not. It really is as simple as that. Making excuses is not going to get me anywhere. I need to seek God's face until I get a break through in my attitude. So, I'm going to threaten the children with more chores if they interrupt me & lock myself in my room until I get sane again. If I don't come out in a week or so, send in the National Guard. God bless, Dianna

Wake Up, Little Suzy

Well, I've been feeling kind of crummy, very tired & unmotivated as of late. I'm trying to figure out why because, for the last few months, I've been feeling better than I have for years. I'm still exercising & eating the same. I mentioned a few blogs ago that I was going to try to eat smaller portions more often, but that hasn't been successful. I'm not overeating, but it's hard to eat a very tiny portion & just STOP. I'll keep trying on that one. The only other thing I can think of is I'm not getting up as early as I had been. Let me rephrase that....I'm not getting out of bed as early as I have been. I've been sleeping poorly again & so my natural inclination is to stay in bed & try to sleep more. Never works & the I tend to feel groggy. It's difficult to pull myself out of bed when I know I haven't gotten a good night's sleep, but I tend to feel better if I just jump up & get going. We'll see if that solves the problem. It's so much harder to eat well (& do anything well, really) when you're always tired, so it's something I hope to figure out soon. It effects my moods, my productivity, my attitude, the running of the house, etc....it's been a while since I've been at this point & I don't miss it. I'm actually having a hard time staying encouraged about lots of things right now, even though there are plenty of good things going on. Guess I'm just in a funk.

On a brighter note...I've lost 28 pounds, so that's pretty cool, I think. Have a great day, maybe I'll be more cheerful next blog, Dianna

NEW GOAL/ OLD GOAL

Hi. I am setting a new goal for myself, which is to try to eat even smaller meals (more frequently if need be). Waiting until I'm hungry before I eat has been working pretty well still, but I have a feeling that some of my "grouchies" have been, in part anyway, when that blood sugar gets a bit low. I suspect this mainly because my grouchy time tends to happen late afternoon. And I've been skipping lunch most days, so maybe there's a connection there. Although, I have always gotten kind of slumpy during that time frame & then perk up at night when I'm supposed to be winding down :) So, my new goal is to try to eat tiny meals with the hope that I will be hungry more often & maybe I won't feel that dip in mood right when I want to be preparing dinner & straightening the house & putting on a cheerful face right before hubby gets home. I know this goal will be a challenge because I have already been eating smaller meals than I'm used to. Something in my brain has a hard time having 1 piece of toast. I mean, is it written in stone that toast has to come in pairs just because the toaster has two slots? What if I had a larger toaster....would I eat 8 slices at a time? Heehee...probably, knowing me :)

My old goal is to go back to the drawing board with eating S-L-O-W-E-R. Really, really difficult habit to break. As silly as it sounds, I think I might make a little sign & put it on the dinner table saying, "Slow Down!!" I would just have to remember to take it down if we had guests over for dinner. I'm feeling silly today, if you hadn't noticed. God bless, Dianna

FIRE!!!

Well, I did fine today, but I want to share a cool story that has nothing to do with weight, although part of it did happen while I was exercising:

Yesterday, I came home around 4:00 to discover the entire house filled with smoke & the fire alarm going off. I quickly realized it was the pellet stove, which has been our only heat source so far this winter because it's much cheaper than oil. I believe the blower motor died, but the pellets kept dropping into the burner & just kept smoldering. It was so full of pellets, they were pushing up against the door. It took me 20 minutes to clear them out--in between coughing & almost puking & my eyes burning. Obviously, we opened all the windows & doors & put the fans on. I thanked the Lord right away that no real damage was done. This morning, the downstairs was still smokey smelling, so I again opened all the doors & windows & put the fans on. I was praising God again for what might have happened. I mean...the pellets just kept coming. Also, we have a cat & dog...both in the house. Our dog actually lives near the pellet stove. I also thanked Him for the unseasonably warm weather. I mean, we were cold today with everything open, but not anything like we would have been last week. Then, I was doing my walking video (Leslie Sansone) which I love, but gets monotonous. What I do is turn the volume off, put on Christian music & read these little scripture cards which I meditate on while I walk-or sometimes they inspire me to pray about something in particular. This is the first card I pulled today: from Isaiah 43:2 " ....When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." God is so amazing!! What's funny is the card only contained part of the verse...about fire, of course. The rest is this: " When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

I really feel like something worse would have happened without His hand of protection. Maybe this is stretching things a bit too far, but earlier that day, during the service I felt God's hand in such a powerful way. I help lead worship at our church. At the end of each service, we have an "altar call", which is simply a time people can respond to the message. Sometimes people come forward for prayer or to commit their lives to Jesus. Since I've been on the worship team, I have not gone to the altar because I am singing. Only once have I & it was because I was having a hard time & I needed prayer. Well, I made it through the first two verses & started bawling. I went down to the altar & just wept & praised God. There wasn't anything particular on my mind...I wasn't having any problems...I just couldn't help but kneel at the altar & weep before the Lord. I didn't talk to Him or anything, but I knew I needed to be with Him there. So, now I'm wondering if that was the Holy Spirit (all who believe in Jesus as their Saviour receive the Holy Spirit when they come to faith, though most people have no idea what that means or how to live by the Spirit) interceding on my behalf. Who knows? Either way, it was quite a day. Normally, I would have been home around 12-1:00, but I volunteered to watch my friends' kids for a few hours & my husband was helping another friend move a piano.

And then, today, God blessed us again in a HUGE way that I can't share because it involves personal info about someone else. God is SO good. He gives us so much & He asks so little...that we fully rely on Him & Him alone....for our salvation, for our provision, for healing, for eternal life, for anything & everything. He is capable. God bless you all, Dianna

Better Day

Today I had a much better attitude. I went the day without any sweets...yea! It's not that I think sweets are bad, but I need to know I can live without them. Today was much easier eating-wise...it probably helped that I was running around a lot today. It's easier not to think about food when it's not at your disposal every second. I always picture Peg Bundy at home on the couch eating her bon-bons. Not that I'm admitting to ever having watched that show, mind you.

When I have hard times like I have been for the last few days, I am reminded that it's not just my eating habits I need help with, but managing stress in general. I really am stressed out more often than I'd like to admit. The dumbest things stress me out. I used to worry all the time, which I don't do much of anymore. Meaning, I don't sit there & torture myself with "what ifs" or imagine horrible possibilities in my mind or replay past mistakes over & over. Boy! Was I miserable before I knew Christ!! But, I still stress out a bunch, which means I must not be completely leaving my burdens with the Lord. Not good. I'm better than I used to be, but I have to be honest & admit I haven't made as much progress in the area of peace as I would like. I know it's possible to be peaceful, even when our circumstances might be horrible. They say peace is not the absence of conflict, but your ability to cope with it.

http://www.watchmanmag.com/0406/040617.htm

Love you all...peace be with you, Dianna

SEE SAW

Yesterday I said I was going to get back in the swing...well, today was more like being on a seesaw. My emotions are just all over the place. I did a lot of crying today :( But, I feel much better now. Home schooling presents some unique challenges & I think I've experienced them all in the last few days. Some of the wonderful ladies in a hs group I belong to had some wonderful words of wisdom for me, I took off for a bit by myself & now I'm feeling pretty stable. My hubby has been helpful, too.

I ate sweets today, but oh well...I will try again tomorrow. I didn't eat much, but I didn't stick to that goal. I told my husband, "Today was a bad day to give up sniffing glue" (from the movie Airplane) ...meaning today was NOT the day to go back to the occasional sweet. I definitely ate them out of sadness, which is bad, but most times I get depressed, I tend to chow all day, so I can at least say I had a normal amount & stopped.

Jane, I can't do workouts from TV because I get like 4 channels & 2 of them are in Spanish (only a slight exaggeration). I went to the library today, though & got 2 Jane Fonda work-outs. Oh my!! Have anyone ever done these things? They're all dressed in these bizarrely erotic outfits. Aren't they primarily geared towards women? Oh well, I did 1 (with hubby...that was fun) & it was actually more intense than the ones I've been doing. My lungs hurt afterwards (I have asthma), but at least I wasn't bored. I bit the bullet & ordered a different Leslie Sansone DVD from amazon. I figured my physical & emotional health is more important than sticking to my budget.

So, all in all, it was a tough day, but I'm feeling much better & hopeful tomorrow will be a better day. Or I should say, tomorrow I will have a better attitude. Every day is good:

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." (Psalm 188:24)

Love you all...God bless, Dianna